I Bought a Coffee Maker!!!

Okay, so it was just a $9.99 one from the grocery store.  It's some no-name unheard of brand, not even a Mr. Coffee, but who cares!  I had to add a bunch of water to my first homemade, entirely too strong cup of coffee this morning (after a second trip to the store to pick up the filters I didn't know I needed ), but I still count it as progress.  Once I watered down my cup of coffee substantially and transferred it to glass instead of a mug, I was all set to go.  I have to say it felt like success.

AND...I found out black coffee has a whopping 2 whole calories per 6 ounces!  Jeez, does it GET any better than that? :)

I need to make more friends...

Last night after work I had one of those brief moments of clarity where I realized how truly lacking my social life is.  Seriously.  I have no life.  Zero.  For the last 15 years my life has been dedicated to my family.  For the last 9 years my life has been dedicated solely to the upbringing of my kids...add to that, the last couple of years have expanded slightly to include preparing for a career change.  And that about covers it. 

Ugh, so what do I do about this?  I've made some friends in school over the past few semesters and I'm happy about that, but it's not enough.  I have to admit that I'm not the kind of gal that walks into a room and owns it.  I'm not a party girl...by any stretch of the imagination.

It's been suggested that I look into the UU church.  I went ahead and logged onto their website to get an idea of what it's all about.  Really, the last thing I want to do is get involved in anything of a religious nature, but from what I can tell, the UU church isn't about religious dogma.  I don't know.  It seems like a decent place to meet people I guess, but we'll have to see.  I didn't feel terribly comfortable going to church before, so I can't really see feeling comfortable doing that now, you know?

Anyways, once again, I'm open to suggestions.

Happy Holidays :)

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah (a little late), Happy Kwanza...I know I'm missing a TON of holidays.  Sorry. 

Anyways, I hope this holiday seasons finds you in good spirits.  If not, I hope you do whatever you've got to do to get that job done - find peace and contentment somehow.  If I can help in any way, let me know. 

I've never met any of you in person, but your comments have been so uplifting/funny/helpful and I owe you one!

I found it...

Pinot noir.  Well, let me clarify.  The first few sips weren't super spectacular.  However, it kind of grew on me.  And with that statement, I'm logging out because I'm having a very hard time typing a coherent sentence. ;)  YEEHAWW

Beer: Blech!

Yeah, that was gross.  So, my ex-husband says that particular beer is sweeter and less bitter than the others.  At first, yeah, it tasted fine, but it does have a bitterness to it.  ICK.  Nasty.  So, I suffered through one beer last night and I think I'm going to just give the remaining 5 to my ex-husband because I simply can't imagine gagging anymore of that stuff down again. 

So, I'm on the hunt again for something that doesn't taste like death but that gives me a slight buzz.  That nasty margarita did it for me a week or so back.  I didn't like the bitterness, though.  And it seems like "bitter" is a common thread with the alcohol I've tasted so far.  Yuck.  I can't handle that.

Okay, I'm thinking a bloody mary might taste good.  I like spicy tomato juice...if I understand it correctly thats basically what it is only with some vodka in it, right?  If it's that simple, then I can pull it off.  If not, there could be a problem because I am a freak of nature when it comes to recipes.  I'm naturally inclined to screw recipes up and I'm hesitant to "create" drinks at home.

I'm going to read back through past comments and see what suggestions I've received and go from there, but I would love more input.  Thanks!

What is your favorite beer and why?

I picked up some Blue Moon beer today.  I found myself standing in the alcohol aisle at Target (yet again) completely overwhelmed.  Last time I bought some wine--white zinfandel.  It was nice...except for the damn cork situation.  Honestly, though, after a while I kind of started to dislike the taste of it and I was stuck with the rest of the bottle.  So, my first thought was to just grab some random beer and move on, but I figured I wouldn't be any better off than I was with the wine if ended up with a six pack of beer in the fridge that I hated.  A quick call to my ex-husband and I felt a little more educated about beer.  He recommended Blue Moon because its kind of on the sweeter side. 

Of course, I have about 15 minutes before I need to log on for my last shift of the day for work, so I won't be trying that beer out until afterwards.  I will definitely let you know what I think.  I'd love to get some input from you--what are your favorites and why?

Having a surreal moment...

My kids just left for their dad's house and my home is peaceful and quiet, so I've been using this time to read up on church history, etcetera.

Every now and then, despite the fact that I already know the church isn't true, I have a minor freakout moment...and I'm having one now.  I cannot believe I gave 23 years of my life to this church, served a mission, played by all the rules, and perpetuated their mind games with my kids.  Not only that, I adopted the mindset that as a single 40-year-old LDS mom I somehow no longer existed as a woman - just a hardworking mom. 

I read a blog post recently that struck me hard on a really personal level.  It was about clothing.  I know, it sounds superficial, but the post was far from it.  In fact, it was incredibly symbolic and I identified with it.  I've been living in frump-dom since the breakup of my marriage 9 years ago.  Why?  Because I no longer fit within the LDS culture.  I didn't fit, didn't count in a way.  I wanted to be invisible because I felt out of place.  As such, I just stopped caring about how I dressed.

Again, as I re-read some of this I can't help but think I might be misunderstood.  This is SO not about clothes.  It's about self esteem - for me at least.

Today I went out and did a little clothes shopping for myself rather than my kids for a change.  It would've been a better experience if I actually enjoyed clothes shopping (even remotely), which I don't and if I weren't so picky or self-conscious about my figure.  Still, it was a step in the right direction. 

I'm SUPER bugged that I spent years upon years in a fantasy land of obedience and false promises, dressing like a prude when I had a hell of a figure, and cultivating an unhealthy self image, but I'm that much more inspired now to pick up where I left off years ago.

Strawberry Dacquiri Disappointment...

Okay, some friends and I went out to eat after our last class of the semester today and I ordered a strawberry dacquiri.  Can I ask you a question?  Where's the ALCOHOL in that thing?  I know this sounds kind of bad, but if I'm going to go through the trouble of dropping my car off at home and having my friend be the designated driver, I'd like a definitive reason to use that designated driver.  You know?  It was a nice tasting drink, though.

Last weekend I went and bought a bottle of white zinfandel because it's supposed to be a sweeter type of wine to start with (for newbies like myself).  After I managed to get the friggin' cork out of that sucker (which took me at least 15 minutes with the use of a corkscrew and my quad muscles no less) I sat down with my classy styrofoam cup and enjoyed the wine, watched a movie, and relaxed.  And waited.  And wondered why I couldn't feel the mellowing effects of the alcohol.  I was still my normal high-strung self after what I assumed was roughly 2 servings.  It was kind of a let down.

So what I'm gathering from my experiences thus far is that just because a drink is "alcoholic" does not necessarily mean it will be enough to achieve any specific desired effect (ie. to relax/mellow a person).  So, tomorrow night I'm going to try a beer.  I haven't the faintest clue where to start as far as choosing a beer, though.  Any suggestions?

Also, I posted something on my FB page today about the mall being built by the church and my opinion of it.  Of all of my LDS friends, only one has commented so far and her reasoning was pathetically weak.  Thanks to an educated friend and my 2 cents worth, I believe a sufficient response was made.  I'm feeling a little empowered with speaking out in that kind of a forum...and waiting patiently for the repercussions.

Take a look at this...(two posts in one day, whoda thunk?)

My sister-in-law posted this on FB and I'm really impressed with the quality and content.  It gives an honest and realistic glimpse into the lives of several young men that have grown up in the LDS church and who have had the courage to come out to their friends and loved ones.

Disciples from Jordan Currier on Vimeo.

A Good Day

I spoke with my dad today and it was a good, constructive conversation.  My big concern has been how on earth to feel comfortable talking to him again after our funky blow up and, more importantly, now that he knows I have serious doubts about the church.  (I'll be honest with you, I tried to convey to him just how serious my "doubts" about the church really are without being too blunt and risking another cuss-fest between the two of us.  The problem is, I couldn't be as honest as I wanted to with him, meaning I didn't have the guts to tell him I'm out for good.) 

I do believe, though, that our relationship is on the mend and I couldn't be happier about it.  I let him know that I've noticed that our emails and phone calls have been short and superficial since our argument and even though we've been kind to eachother, it still has just felt wrong - like we've lost our ability to be ourselves with eachother.  From that point we were able to open up with eachother about our feelings, etcetera and work things out. 

I'm really pleased that my dad didn't preach to me.  Yes, he did use some of the annoying verbage like "This is a trial of your faith," etcetera, but he was trying to be careful and respectful with his wording and I appreciated that.  We were able to talk about a few of the things over the years that bothered him (ie. Dallin H. Oaks and the white salamander thing) and we were able to find common ground in those things.  I think the part that renews my respect for him the most is that I was able to express that my faith simply cannot withstand the kind of knocks that his can and he seemed to understand.  I think it clicked for him when I put it in those terms.

Well, this is a really, really good thing.  Definitely something to be thankful for.

By the way, I'm really thankful for the kind, supportive, helpful comments I've been getting here on my blog.  It's really helpful to know that there are people out there who understand what it's like to go through all of the emotions I'm going through.  Thanks. :)

Um...

Christmas has never really been one of my favorite holidays as an adult.  I do enjoy seeing my kids open up their presents and have a good time and all that, but it's kind of lost its luster over the years for me.  This year, of course, has an extra twist given the fact that I no longer have the same views of eternity that I did last year this time.  In fact, I haven't the faintest clue what (if anything) I do believe at this point.

Tonight is the ward Christmas party and rather than making a big deal out of missing it, I decided to take my girls out for a drive to look at the nicely decorated houses, get some Sonic with them, and then come home and decorate the tree.  I think this will be a new tradition for us...and it will just so happen to fall on the night when the ward Christmas party is supposed to be held every year.

To be honest with you, I'm feeling like I just can't keep up with everything the church has to offer for my family in terms of outward activities.  How could I possibly begin to compete with a multi-million dollar (or thereabouts) corporation?

I can't help but think about how nice it would be if I'd never uncovered the truth about the church.  I mean, it wasnt a perfect fit for me before because I'm a single mom, but I still had my beliefs and the activities to occupy my kids.  Amazingly, my kids are doing spectacularly without the church (my little ones, that is).  They haven't brought it up in weeks and they really seem happy.  I, on the other hand, keep finding myself more in a state of funk than happiness.  Especially now, I'm feeling the loneliness and the weight of the holidays and their lack of meaning for me.

Usually when something gets me down I'm able to rally the troops, get my friends and family involved in one way or another and cheer myself up.  It's entirely different this time.  My closest confidants are TBMs.  I can't imagine sharing how miserable I'm feeling without getting the response, "You're feeling that way because you've lost the Spirit.  You've abandoned your beliefs, and you're living in a way that is contrary to Heavenly Father's plan for you."  Yep.  That'd cheer me up real quick.

So, that's kind of where I am tonight.  I'm hoping I'll pop out of it quickly, though I'm short on ideas of how to get that ball in motion.  I'm open to ideas, though.

Attempting to Stamp Out Bitter Feelings...

Yesterday my Netflix movie came.  I watched "8: The Mormon Proposition."  I knew it would be a rough one to watch for me.  I've been preoccupied with wading through my more immediate concerns regarding church history, doctrine, the unbelievable two-facedness of the church leaders, etcetera, etcetera over the last couple of months, but I finally decided it was time to deal with this uncomfortable issue.  (Basically, I knew it would be like ripping an incredibly sticky bandaid off of an incredibly hairy arm and I've left it for one of my "final frontier" issues to tackle.)

Before I joined the church I didn't care if a person was gay, straight, bi, or whatever.  It was a non-issue entirely. It wasn't until after I had been a member for quite a while that it started to bother me.  When I was 24, I was married in the LA temple to my now ex-husband.  We met when I joined the church back in high school.  Anyways, to make a long story short, we were married for 6 years when he told me he couldn't live this lifestyle anymore.  He told me he had been unfaithful for the last several years of our marriage and was leaving me to live an openly gay lifestyle.

I was devastated, of course.  Add to that the fact that his timing was less than spectacular because at that time we had a 5-year-old, a 13-month-old, and I was 5 months pregnant with our third daughter.  I mean, our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was a real shock.  I was left speechless (for the first 30 seconds, and then I was anything BUT speechless). 

That was roughly 9 years ago.  I still don't understand my ex-husband's timing, but at this point in my life I can understand he had his own decisions to make--decisions I would never want to have to make myself.   

Still, there's been this ugly, uncomfortable "thing" (for lack of a better word) that has stuck with me and makes me want to cry/run/curl up in a corner and hide when the word "gay" comes up.  It's still there in me now (though to a much smaller extent) despite the fact that I have been pushing myself towards reason and understanding of the gay community over the past several years.  The frustrating thing is that I still have a lot of pain that lingers and at this point I think that's just one of those things that will be with me till the end, but it's really starting to piss me off.  This ugly feeling defies logic (in my opinion) and it seems to want to linger in even the smallest degree despite what feels like monumental effort on my part to rid myself of it.

So, because I hate this uncomfortable "thing" and I'll be damned if it beats me, I've decided to really delve into the California Prop 8 situation from a few years ago and try to get more educated about the church's role in passing it.  Seeing that film was definitely a step in the right direction for me.  My hopes are that I will grow in leaps and bounds with this so that I can put this issue to rest for me.

And on a lighter note, one that helps me to just forget my past and move forward:

Going Out for my FIRST DRINK in 23 years!!!

Shhh.  Gotta make this one quick because I'm in the middle of my writing class.  I just managed to get a group of people to go out to lunch after class and for drinks.  They know this is essentially a "first" for me and they are all excited.  My only concern is that I have my anatomy and physiology II class in a few hours...will I be a little "off"???

I will report back later and let you all know. ;)  This should be fun (for someone like me).

                                                            *********

Okay, I only have a few minutes before I have to get to class, but I had a margarita from Chipotle's.  Um.  I drank the whole thing, but I have to say it was yucky.  It's the "sour" stuff they add to the drink that was nasty.  Actually, it was really bitter tasting to me.  So, now I know I dont like that kind of a drink.  We will be going out again next week and the deal is my friends will choose the drink for me...and we will be going to an actual restaurant so that my choices (or shall I say their choices) will be broader than what they were today. 

That was fun, though.  It was a milestone for me and even though the drink was icky, at least I got to share the experience with my friends :)

Ewww.

Back to the light and happy topic of coffee.  I'm sitting here drinking a little Via (that's what it's called, right?) packet of columbian coffee. Yikes, that's strong stuff!  It's a little too much for my liking.  I have a ton of non-dairy creamer stuff in it and it's still too strong for me.  I have to say, though, it's got a better taste than my Alberton's brand instant coffee. ;)

How Many Loved Ones Can I Offend?

I talked on the phone with my dad last night (who lives out of state) for just a few minutes, seriously like 2.5 minutes.  It looks like our relationship has a subtle hint of "damaged" at this point. 

My dad's a good guy, a convert to the church like myself.  He's not a real stickler for some of the rules, like R-rated movies or goofing off on Sundays when the need arises.  So, I figured he would understand my decision to leave the church.  Of course, I was as gentle and as tactful as I could be about the situation, letting him know that my studies of church history took me in a direction I had never intended, etcetera.  Instead, he set out to debate with me, telling me he wanted to know all my concerns, so that he could prove them wrong, etcetera.

I'm not a debater.  I'd love to be one, but the fact that I suck at it presents a problem.  He kept egging me on until I finally threw a few of them out there.  I don't recall the first few of them, but he had a come back for them, one of which went something like "Don't you know that an angel appeared to JS and told him...?!?!"  I had to physically snap my mouth shut to keep from saying, "Do you HEAR YOURSELF?  Do understand how moronic that sounds?"  I kept it to myself, though.

When I finally brought up about the facsimiles and the Book of Abraham (in an effort to get him off my back and shut him up - not a problem I've ever had with him before), he had nothing to say.  Just dead silence on the other end of the line.  After a few long seconds he told me to "prove to me that JS was not a prophet" to which I responded, "I believe I just did."

Unfortunately, I couldn't leave it at that, and here is where my emotions got the best of me.  I added, "And don't you ever f***ing speak to me like that again!" and I hung up (and threw the phone).  Yep, I blew it.  I'm no football fan, but I can draw the parallel of me being the dude with the ball, on my way to make a...whatever (is it a touchdown that you make when you're running with the ball?) when I, for no good reason at all, turn around and go in the opposite direction.  That's kind of what I did.

So a few weeks and a couple of short, somewhat superficial emails (that did contain apologies on both our parts) later, my dad and I are kind of like strangers.  I don't feel comfortable talking to him like I used to and it feels like he's either not interested in talking to me now and/or he's uncomfortable, too.

This knowledge I now have of the church has complicated my life in more ways than I imagined.  While there are certain aspects of my life that have changed for the better, there are many more that are definitely not better.  Some days (like today) I'm just a zombie, going through the motions, trying to care about my job, my school assignments, and final exams coming up but not doing a good job of it. 

Anyways, it's strange and right now I really don't like it.

Okay, I'm in a Better Mood...Kinda Sorta

Last night's meeting with a member of the bishopric was more emotional than I wanted it to be.  My problem is that I'm all about emotion. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it.  Basically, he came to extend a calling to me because I had asked to be released from my primary calling.  I declined and told him the reason why.

Ugh, from there nothing really constructive happened.  I've had all night to think about the meeting and I am finding that I am more disappointed about the experience now than I was last night.  I could see pity and judgement in his eyes and in his expression.  The details, I guess, are unimportant, but what I learned from it is important.  I simply can't expect a person to understand my feelings/thoughts/situation if he is unwilling to give equal attention to facts/evidence as he is willing to give to the spirit/good feelings.  I've already admitted I'm an emotional person, but I have never been so closed off that I have been unwilling to give facts their proper place and attention.  It boggles my mind that people, intelligent people, have the capacity to ignore glaring gaps in truth and reason and substitute whatever warm fuzzies they can dredge up to justify it.

As I look back, I guess I am proud of how I handled things.  I was honest and true to myself.  Paying attention to the spirit was a recurring theme last night, and I recall a number of my responses and they kind of make me giggle (with pride) as I think about them.  At one point, he asked me to talk about my feelings for the BOM.  I told him I love those stories, that I still feel wonderful when I think about many of those stories.  I also told him, on the other hand, that I have felt equally as warm and fuzzy when I've read Dr. Seuss stories to my kids over the years.  Emotions, feelings, warm fuzzies are real but are not necessarily an indicator that the source of those feelings is divine.  If so, what does that say about Dr. Seuss?  Heck, I want to join his church.

What I have learned, and maybe its a sad thing, is that I can't trust feelings anymore - at least not as a factor in the decision-making process.  It's safe to say at this point that regardless of the feelings I may or may not experience, I have to tackle certain subjects (like that of religion/spiritual beliefs) with the objectivity of a medical professional.  The "spirit" is tied to a chair in the farthest corner of my mind with a sock shoved in his mouth and duct tape around his head.  I'll let him loose for my next kid's birthday party.  I've had it with that unreliable guy.

My Short But Solemn Testimony...

I know that Hungry Howies pepperoni pizza with garlic crust, light on the cheese (because I'm lactose intolerant) is true.  I have a testimony that at least 2 pieces of that particular kind of pizza with a couple of handfuls of Peanut M&Ms, washed down with a few swigs of Diet Pepsi straight from the 2-Liter bottle are the only things that can make a day like today less shitty.  In the name of my left big toe.  A-woman.

Sweating the Relatively Small Stuff...

First of all, on a positive note:   Thank you for your comments and for visiting my blog.  I'm feeling the love and it is much needed right now. ;)

Now, onto the poopy stuff:  In a nutshell, a member of the bishopric is coming over tomorrow night.  Why?  He didn't say, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.  He originally wanted to meet today before church, but I work a split shift from home on Sundays, so I was able to avoid that.

Basically, I haven't been to church in 5 weeks or so and I asked to be released from my primary calling a few weeks ago.  This, of course, all happened after I discovered aspects of church history and church doctrine that rubbed me wrong a little over a month ago.

I'm sweating it big time.  I've gotten some wonderful advice so far and I plan on being prepared with my personal list of concerns.  I know they can't be resolved to my satisfaction, so I won't bother being terribly specific during the meeting tomorrow evening.  If push comes to shove, though, I'll bring up the Book of Abraham thing and leave it at that.  There's NOTHING redeeming that can be said about that issue and it's certainly not a matter of personal interpretation.  I could pray till the cows come home about that issue and not a single warm fuzzy would come of it.

Here's the thing with this meeting, it is the first outward/public display of my disaffection with the church.  Yes, I have shared this with my family and several very close friends, but this, THIS, is big for me.  I mean, there'll be no running away from my decision to leave the church once the bishopric knows (though I wouldn't change my mind about that decision regardless of the circumstances).

I love and respect my bishopric.  They're dedicated men, who sacrifice more than they should for their callings and I truly feel their love for me.  I hate that I'm going to be contributing to the load they are already carrying.  It makes me SO MAD that I can't deal directly with the people that I truly have the problems with.  Alas, most of them are dead...and the ones that aren't are too adept at ignoring the truth anyways.  Stupid jerks.

Blown Away By Stuff I Wasn't Supposed To Find Out...

I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the past 23 years.  I joined the church at the age of 17 and then served a Spanish-speaking mission, was married in the temple, and have faithfully raised my children in the church.  Just a little over a month ago, in an effort to kick up my church studies, I decided to become more familiar with the history of the church and I simply wasn't prepared for what I found.

This blog is for therapeutic purposes for me, but I welcome any comments you may have.  Mind you, I don't know how many people really enjoy getting mean/nasty comments on their blogs, but I'm willing to take them if you have something constructive to say.  I don't gaurantee that bearing your testimony will sway me, but I deeply appreciate any efforts made with a kind heart.

A little bit about myself, I'm a divorced mom of three terrific kids.  My ex-husband left the church when we divorced.  Perhaps I will talk about that in a future post.  For now, it's not something I want to focus on.  I work from home and I am just finishing up my last semester of co-requisites before I enter the RN program at the local college. 

In the last month, I've made every effort to get to know coffee again...ahh, my long lost love. ;)  It's been rough, though.  Back in the days before I joined the church, my mom used to buy Sanka and put a little Sweet and Low in it.  Things are a little different these days.  When I told a friend of mine, who works at Starbucks that I use Albertsons' brand instant coffee with some swiss mocha something-or-other, some Sweet and Low, and a bit of non-dairy powdered creamer stuff, he shook his head and told me that was definitely NOT acceptable. What would I do without my small handful of non-member friends?