Last night's meeting with a member of the bishopric was more emotional than I wanted it to be. My problem is that I'm all about emotion. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it. Basically, he came to extend a calling to me because I had asked to be released from my primary calling. I declined and told him the reason why.
Ugh, from there nothing really constructive happened. I've had all night to think about the meeting and I am finding that I am more disappointed about the experience now than I was last night. I could see pity and judgement in his eyes and in his expression. The details, I guess, are unimportant, but what I learned from it is important. I simply can't expect a person to understand my feelings/thoughts/situation if he is unwilling to give equal attention to facts/evidence as he is willing to give to the spirit/good feelings. I've already admitted I'm an emotional person, but I have never been so closed off that I have been unwilling to give facts their proper place and attention. It boggles my mind that people, intelligent people, have the capacity to ignore glaring gaps in truth and reason and substitute whatever warm fuzzies they can dredge up to justify it.
As I look back, I guess I am proud of how I handled things. I was honest and true to myself. Paying attention to the spirit was a recurring theme last night, and I recall a number of my responses and they kind of make me giggle (with pride) as I think about them. At one point, he asked me to talk about my feelings for the BOM. I told him I love those stories, that I still feel wonderful when I think about many of those stories. I also told him, on the other hand, that I have felt equally as warm and fuzzy when I've read Dr. Seuss stories to my kids over the years. Emotions, feelings, warm fuzzies are real but are not necessarily an indicator that the source of those feelings is divine. If so, what does that say about Dr. Seuss? Heck, I want to join his church.
What I have learned, and maybe its a sad thing, is that I can't trust feelings anymore - at least not as a factor in the decision-making process. It's safe to say at this point that regardless of the feelings I may or may not experience, I have to tackle certain subjects (like that of religion/spiritual beliefs) with the objectivity of a medical professional. The "spirit" is tied to a chair in the farthest corner of my mind with a sock shoved in his mouth and duct tape around his head. I'll let him loose for my next kid's birthday party. I've had it with that unreliable guy.
I So feel your pain. I am going through exactly what you are, after my entire adult life as a member. I am not a slacker, EQ Pres, YM Pres multiple times, Bishop, stake callings. But out of the blue the truth fell on me this summer, and here I am, waiting for confirmation that i am off the records of the church. It is a lonely feeling right now, but I know I am doing the right thing following truth and not "feelings." Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteThe "spirit" is tied to a chair in the farthest corner of my mind with a sock shoved in his mouth and duct tape around his head.
ReplyDeleteLOVE that!
I saw your story on postmo and couldn't wait to read your blog. It was very touching. Thank you for sharing. I'm a never mo, my husband is a postmo, however, I grew up in a fundamental christian home and have struggled with some of the ideology. It's hard when you start to question what you've been taught. Especially when those around you are telling you that you are "wrong." Keep up the honesty. Rely on those around you who are supporting your search. They get you through the doubt. Wish you the best!!
ReplyDelete