Christmas has never really been one of my favorite holidays as an adult. I do enjoy seeing my kids open up their presents and have a good time and all that, but it's kind of lost its luster over the years for me. This year, of course, has an extra twist given the fact that I no longer have the same views of eternity that I did last year this time. In fact, I haven't the faintest clue what (if anything) I do believe at this point.
Tonight is the ward Christmas party and rather than making a big deal out of missing it, I decided to take my girls out for a drive to look at the nicely decorated houses, get some Sonic with them, and then come home and decorate the tree. I think this will be a new tradition for us...and it will just so happen to fall on the night when the ward Christmas party is supposed to be held every year.
To be honest with you, I'm feeling like I just can't keep up with everything the church has to offer for my family in terms of outward activities. How could I possibly begin to compete with a multi-million dollar (or thereabouts) corporation?
I can't help but think about how nice it would be if I'd never uncovered the truth about the church. I mean, it wasnt a perfect fit for me before because I'm a single mom, but I still had my beliefs and the activities to occupy my kids. Amazingly, my kids are doing spectacularly without the church (my little ones, that is). They haven't brought it up in weeks and they really seem happy. I, on the other hand, keep finding myself more in a state of funk than happiness. Especially now, I'm feeling the loneliness and the weight of the holidays and their lack of meaning for me.
Usually when something gets me down I'm able to rally the troops, get my friends and family involved in one way or another and cheer myself up. It's entirely different this time. My closest confidants are TBMs. I can't imagine sharing how miserable I'm feeling without getting the response, "You're feeling that way because you've lost the Spirit. You've abandoned your beliefs, and you're living in a way that is contrary to Heavenly Father's plan for you." Yep. That'd cheer me up real quick.
So, that's kind of where I am tonight. I'm hoping I'll pop out of it quickly, though I'm short on ideas of how to get that ball in motion. I'm open to ideas, though.
Hello there. It sounds like your in a big state of shock, like your feeling lost a lot now. Don't worry you will find your way in time, you have a good heart, you care for your children, that is important.
ReplyDeleteI am still finding myself, and yes their is a lot of sadness from realizing what you believed for so long is not so true as you believed. Sadness since you feel lost and now life and so many things are different now.
You said "I haven't the faintest clue what (if anything) I do believe at this point." You do believe in some things already, you have love for your children, maybe that can be a belief for you or starting point. Your a good person, I can see that and you want to do good to help your children, your obviously a good person. Being good is who you are, how you help others and make a difference, not how many rules etc you obey. You can believe in love, that is something simple and not complicated, you, me, and most everyone has love in their hearts. We care about others, that is not something we learn from reading a 2000 year old book or 200 year old book, love is who we are inside. So if your having trouble believing now, just see that all along you have had love there in your heart.
Oh, one idea you said you wanted to leave quietly. Well one thing a friend of mine suggested to me was tell your local ward people you want to go to an adult singles ward instead, and then just don't really go there, or just a little. Then you can leave quietly. Just leave your records in your original ward, then your not part of the single ward system and they won't bug you either, unless you go there often. I mean an adult singles ward if one is in your area. I live here in Utah, so their are plenty of singles wards here.
You said you feel you can't compete with all the church activities, you don't have to, your not competing. You just need to find ways to teach your children to be good people, help them develop themselves and grow in each childs own special way. Their are lots of things you could do, you could enroll some of them in a sport, or you could find some organization that does a lot of charity work and have your children do a lot of things in that so they learn good values that way. Just look in your area for different groups or organizations that you feel would help your children grow and develop into good people.
But above all, believe in yourself, you are not alone, you do have a good loving heart and that can help guide you, that has always been inside you long before you joined the church.
Wow, thanks so much for your help, Roger. :) I like your suggestions for activities and how to exit quietly. Also, the idea that I can start with a firm belief in loving my kids makes an enormous amount of sense to me and it's something I can build on over time, too.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your thoughtful input. You made my day. :)
Your welcome. Love is who we are, it's not something we are taught in church or school, it's just more our natural way of being when you get past all the acting we are taught to do from school or church etc, act like this or that. But all along love is still there inside us.
ReplyDeleteYou seem like a very caring person in how you want to be a nurse, that is a very hard job to do, but you serve others so much in doing that. Your already doing a lot of good things already and the church never asked you to do those things, but you are, because it comes from inside you, from your heart.
Your a better person than you realize, so remember that next time someone from the church looks at you with that look they give, or if they speak to you in an inconsiderate way. Your already helping people a lot more than most of them do by all the visiting teaching or home teaching they do. You help because it's from your heart. While most of them do home or visiting teaching etc. because they are told to do it.
Your a good person, believe in yourself, let your love for your children grow more and surround yourself and your children with love. They will be fine and you will too. Your not alone and their is so much that you can learn and become now, because you see more clearly.
I need to take my mom to kidney dialysis now.
You have a good day there and remember to smile because a new day is dawning in your life, you now can create something so special for yourself and your children, enjoy that journey and the love that is always there.
well it's not a real replacement but there are people out here reading who will listen
ReplyDelete