My Resignation Letter is in the Mail!

This morning I dropped off my resignation letter (in triplicate for the sake of thoroughness - one copy to SLC, one to the stake prez, the other to my bishop) at the post office.  It felt scary, amazing, and liberating.  A little more than two months ago I set off to become a better TBM by studying the history of the church and BOOM!  Here I am no longer a member of LD$corp.  I never wanted this.  I just wanted to feel better about my efforts and better about myself.  Crazy thing is, I do feel better about my efforts and better about myself - just not in the way I had expected.  You know what?  I think I have some bad-ass in me after all.  This has been no cake walk.  It has sucked beyond all suckiness and I'm positive that the pain will continue for years to come. 

As a part of the liberation process and in an effort to prolong my "high", I'm including a copy of my resignation letter.  I used the generic part in the first part of the letter and then added on my own sentiments, so I'm only including my own sentiments.  If you like parts of it, please feel free to use what you'd like to.

In addition, I would like to add that after 23 years of faithful membership, having served a mission, married in the temple, and done my utmost to be a member of the church in good standing, I was devastated to find that the church history that I have been taught is a white-washed, less than truthful version of what really occurred.  I find it unconscionable that many issues involving church history, its early leaders, and doctrines have been toned down or completely falsified.  I resent being lied to and I resent the fact that, because I chose to seek out objective material that was not specifically endorsed by the church, I have been told by a member of my bishopric that I was somehow in the wrong and that it is no wonder that my faith has left me and the Spirit no longer sees fit to accompany me. 

Of course, I understand completely why the leaders of the church feel the need to suppress information.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints simply has too much to lose.  Heaven forbid the members find out the truth about, for example, Joseph Smith's dealings in polygamy and polyandry, or his so-called translation of the Kinderhook Plates, or perhaps the fact that Lehi's Dream was just a retooled version of a dream Smith's father had many years prior to the appearance of the Book of Mormon.  Sure, some members would continue to cling to those feelings we have been taught are witnesses of the truthfulness of the church. However, I'm sure that most, like myself, would be intelligent and courageous enough to face the facts and put the warm fuzzies aside.  What would you do then?  I shudder to imagine how many malls the church would not be able to build, or land that it would not be capable of buying.  In short, what would the church do without those of us, who work our butts off paying tithing, offerings, and donations for our salvation (with the looming threat that if we don't meet those financial demands we will not be worthy of living in the presence of God and our loved ones in the eternities)? 

I can't quite imagine Christ supporting the decision to grace downtown SLC with a beautiful mall complete with retractable roof, costing several billion dollars in total, over using that money to feed, clothe, and shelter his brothers and sisters in this world.  Please THINK about this for a second.  Where is the SENSE in that?  I no longer regard the leaders of this church as men of God called to lead God's people.  They are nothing more than shrewd business men, who have fooled even themselves into believing the lies that have been perpetuated over the last 150+ years.

As I've had a chance to step back and take a more objective look at the dealings of the church over the years, I have come to the realization that I am profoundly ashamed to be associated with it on many levels.  I am horrified that I accepted the church's philosophies so willingly and without proper research of my own.  The church has willfully ignored scientific research in the areas of biology, anatomy, and physiology and asserts that homosexuals are somehow defective or simply not “trying hard enough” to be “normal” and, therefore, undeserving of the right to legally marry. I highly doubt that any of the leaders of the church have ever had to deal with being attracted to a member of the same sex and, thus, haven't the slightest clue how wrong it is to tell a person that they must pray harder, sacrifice more, and live more righteously so that God might take that “curse” away from them.  Although, judging from Elder Packer's statements and hyper-vigilance on the topic of same-sex attraction, I might be inclined to think he's struggling himself in that area.  Regardless, I'm embarrassed that I bought into this faulty line of thinking that the church so firmly advocates. This is just one example of many, but it is one that I have had to come to terms with on a deeply personal level, not because I am attracted to members of the same sex but because my ex-husband is.  He did what he could to fit in with the demands of LDS culture, served a mission and married me, but ultimately he could not continue to live a life that was not authentic to who he is at a very basic, biological level. 

Fear not, though.  For you haven't lost my family entirely.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has hoodwinked my oldest daughter and, as far as I can tell, she'll be a faithful follower for quite a while.  She's intelligent, so when she grows up and enters her chosen career field I imagine you'll make a pretty penny off of her via her tithing and various other donations.  My hopes, though, are that she'll be able to separate feelings from facts when she reaches adulthood and is no longer involved with the YW program and seminary, which are really quite effective programs you've got there.  Again, a very shrewd business move.  Get 'em while they're young, impressionable, and looking for a group to identify with. 

In case you haven't detected the not-so-subtle hint of anger in my letter, let me just tell you directly that I am beyond angry.  I have experienced a lot of heartache in my lifetime, but NONE of it compares to the devastation I feel at losing what I thought was the only true church on the face of the earth.  You've deceived me and violated my trust and there is simply no way to make amends for what you've done, whatsoever.

In my first set of scriptures my step-mother wrote, “Just remember, the church is true even if its members are not.”  We've all heard that saying before.  It was a warning not to be offended by any actions of our fellow church members.  I think it was good advice except for one part.  She had it backwards.  It should have read, “Just remember, the members are true even if the church is not.”

Of course, there is an upside to all of this.  I'm finding that life outside the church isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  There was a point in time not more than two months ago when I thought my life would lose all sense significance if the gospel wasn't true.  I simply couldn't imagine how I could derive meaning from life without “Heavenly Father's Plan of Happiness.”  It was a terrifying time in my life.

However, what I'm  finding is that my life is actually more meaningful to me now than it ever was before.  I have no idea if there's an afterlife or even a god for that matter.  Therefore, I am learning to live my life to its fullest, to do good things for others because it gives me joy not because I'm required to or because I have a list of people I'm required to serve.   

I am also finding that I actually have time to breathe now.  There isn't this constant dark cloud hanging over me anymore of my “celestial to-do list”—attend lengthy weekly meetings, do my daily personal scripture study, daily family scripture study, monthly visiting teaching and reporting, monthly enrichment night, ward social activities, temple attendance at least once a month, weekly FHE, etc, etc ad infinitum.  I no longer have the nagging guilt of knowing in my heart of hearts that I just can't meet every expectation placed upon me by the church.  It's an ugly feeling knowing you're falling short, promising to do more next time, and falling short again.  I'm so relieved to be free of the guilt and, more than that, to be free from the control the church places on its members.

Hope you enjoyed. :)