Take a look at this...(two posts in one day, whoda thunk?)

My sister-in-law posted this on FB and I'm really impressed with the quality and content.  It gives an honest and realistic glimpse into the lives of several young men that have grown up in the LDS church and who have had the courage to come out to their friends and loved ones.

Disciples from Jordan Currier on Vimeo.

A Good Day

I spoke with my dad today and it was a good, constructive conversation.  My big concern has been how on earth to feel comfortable talking to him again after our funky blow up and, more importantly, now that he knows I have serious doubts about the church.  (I'll be honest with you, I tried to convey to him just how serious my "doubts" about the church really are without being too blunt and risking another cuss-fest between the two of us.  The problem is, I couldn't be as honest as I wanted to with him, meaning I didn't have the guts to tell him I'm out for good.) 

I do believe, though, that our relationship is on the mend and I couldn't be happier about it.  I let him know that I've noticed that our emails and phone calls have been short and superficial since our argument and even though we've been kind to eachother, it still has just felt wrong - like we've lost our ability to be ourselves with eachother.  From that point we were able to open up with eachother about our feelings, etcetera and work things out. 

I'm really pleased that my dad didn't preach to me.  Yes, he did use some of the annoying verbage like "This is a trial of your faith," etcetera, but he was trying to be careful and respectful with his wording and I appreciated that.  We were able to talk about a few of the things over the years that bothered him (ie. Dallin H. Oaks and the white salamander thing) and we were able to find common ground in those things.  I think the part that renews my respect for him the most is that I was able to express that my faith simply cannot withstand the kind of knocks that his can and he seemed to understand.  I think it clicked for him when I put it in those terms.

Well, this is a really, really good thing.  Definitely something to be thankful for.

By the way, I'm really thankful for the kind, supportive, helpful comments I've been getting here on my blog.  It's really helpful to know that there are people out there who understand what it's like to go through all of the emotions I'm going through.  Thanks. :)

Um...

Christmas has never really been one of my favorite holidays as an adult.  I do enjoy seeing my kids open up their presents and have a good time and all that, but it's kind of lost its luster over the years for me.  This year, of course, has an extra twist given the fact that I no longer have the same views of eternity that I did last year this time.  In fact, I haven't the faintest clue what (if anything) I do believe at this point.

Tonight is the ward Christmas party and rather than making a big deal out of missing it, I decided to take my girls out for a drive to look at the nicely decorated houses, get some Sonic with them, and then come home and decorate the tree.  I think this will be a new tradition for us...and it will just so happen to fall on the night when the ward Christmas party is supposed to be held every year.

To be honest with you, I'm feeling like I just can't keep up with everything the church has to offer for my family in terms of outward activities.  How could I possibly begin to compete with a multi-million dollar (or thereabouts) corporation?

I can't help but think about how nice it would be if I'd never uncovered the truth about the church.  I mean, it wasnt a perfect fit for me before because I'm a single mom, but I still had my beliefs and the activities to occupy my kids.  Amazingly, my kids are doing spectacularly without the church (my little ones, that is).  They haven't brought it up in weeks and they really seem happy.  I, on the other hand, keep finding myself more in a state of funk than happiness.  Especially now, I'm feeling the loneliness and the weight of the holidays and their lack of meaning for me.

Usually when something gets me down I'm able to rally the troops, get my friends and family involved in one way or another and cheer myself up.  It's entirely different this time.  My closest confidants are TBMs.  I can't imagine sharing how miserable I'm feeling without getting the response, "You're feeling that way because you've lost the Spirit.  You've abandoned your beliefs, and you're living in a way that is contrary to Heavenly Father's plan for you."  Yep.  That'd cheer me up real quick.

So, that's kind of where I am tonight.  I'm hoping I'll pop out of it quickly, though I'm short on ideas of how to get that ball in motion.  I'm open to ideas, though.

Attempting to Stamp Out Bitter Feelings...

Yesterday my Netflix movie came.  I watched "8: The Mormon Proposition."  I knew it would be a rough one to watch for me.  I've been preoccupied with wading through my more immediate concerns regarding church history, doctrine, the unbelievable two-facedness of the church leaders, etcetera, etcetera over the last couple of months, but I finally decided it was time to deal with this uncomfortable issue.  (Basically, I knew it would be like ripping an incredibly sticky bandaid off of an incredibly hairy arm and I've left it for one of my "final frontier" issues to tackle.)

Before I joined the church I didn't care if a person was gay, straight, bi, or whatever.  It was a non-issue entirely. It wasn't until after I had been a member for quite a while that it started to bother me.  When I was 24, I was married in the LA temple to my now ex-husband.  We met when I joined the church back in high school.  Anyways, to make a long story short, we were married for 6 years when he told me he couldn't live this lifestyle anymore.  He told me he had been unfaithful for the last several years of our marriage and was leaving me to live an openly gay lifestyle.

I was devastated, of course.  Add to that the fact that his timing was less than spectacular because at that time we had a 5-year-old, a 13-month-old, and I was 5 months pregnant with our third daughter.  I mean, our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was a real shock.  I was left speechless (for the first 30 seconds, and then I was anything BUT speechless). 

That was roughly 9 years ago.  I still don't understand my ex-husband's timing, but at this point in my life I can understand he had his own decisions to make--decisions I would never want to have to make myself.   

Still, there's been this ugly, uncomfortable "thing" (for lack of a better word) that has stuck with me and makes me want to cry/run/curl up in a corner and hide when the word "gay" comes up.  It's still there in me now (though to a much smaller extent) despite the fact that I have been pushing myself towards reason and understanding of the gay community over the past several years.  The frustrating thing is that I still have a lot of pain that lingers and at this point I think that's just one of those things that will be with me till the end, but it's really starting to piss me off.  This ugly feeling defies logic (in my opinion) and it seems to want to linger in even the smallest degree despite what feels like monumental effort on my part to rid myself of it.

So, because I hate this uncomfortable "thing" and I'll be damned if it beats me, I've decided to really delve into the California Prop 8 situation from a few years ago and try to get more educated about the church's role in passing it.  Seeing that film was definitely a step in the right direction for me.  My hopes are that I will grow in leaps and bounds with this so that I can put this issue to rest for me.

And on a lighter note, one that helps me to just forget my past and move forward:

Going Out for my FIRST DRINK in 23 years!!!

Shhh.  Gotta make this one quick because I'm in the middle of my writing class.  I just managed to get a group of people to go out to lunch after class and for drinks.  They know this is essentially a "first" for me and they are all excited.  My only concern is that I have my anatomy and physiology II class in a few hours...will I be a little "off"???

I will report back later and let you all know. ;)  This should be fun (for someone like me).

                                                            *********

Okay, I only have a few minutes before I have to get to class, but I had a margarita from Chipotle's.  Um.  I drank the whole thing, but I have to say it was yucky.  It's the "sour" stuff they add to the drink that was nasty.  Actually, it was really bitter tasting to me.  So, now I know I dont like that kind of a drink.  We will be going out again next week and the deal is my friends will choose the drink for me...and we will be going to an actual restaurant so that my choices (or shall I say their choices) will be broader than what they were today. 

That was fun, though.  It was a milestone for me and even though the drink was icky, at least I got to share the experience with my friends :)

Ewww.

Back to the light and happy topic of coffee.  I'm sitting here drinking a little Via (that's what it's called, right?) packet of columbian coffee. Yikes, that's strong stuff!  It's a little too much for my liking.  I have a ton of non-dairy creamer stuff in it and it's still too strong for me.  I have to say, though, it's got a better taste than my Alberton's brand instant coffee. ;)

How Many Loved Ones Can I Offend?

I talked on the phone with my dad last night (who lives out of state) for just a few minutes, seriously like 2.5 minutes.  It looks like our relationship has a subtle hint of "damaged" at this point. 

My dad's a good guy, a convert to the church like myself.  He's not a real stickler for some of the rules, like R-rated movies or goofing off on Sundays when the need arises.  So, I figured he would understand my decision to leave the church.  Of course, I was as gentle and as tactful as I could be about the situation, letting him know that my studies of church history took me in a direction I had never intended, etcetera.  Instead, he set out to debate with me, telling me he wanted to know all my concerns, so that he could prove them wrong, etcetera.

I'm not a debater.  I'd love to be one, but the fact that I suck at it presents a problem.  He kept egging me on until I finally threw a few of them out there.  I don't recall the first few of them, but he had a come back for them, one of which went something like "Don't you know that an angel appeared to JS and told him...?!?!"  I had to physically snap my mouth shut to keep from saying, "Do you HEAR YOURSELF?  Do understand how moronic that sounds?"  I kept it to myself, though.

When I finally brought up about the facsimiles and the Book of Abraham (in an effort to get him off my back and shut him up - not a problem I've ever had with him before), he had nothing to say.  Just dead silence on the other end of the line.  After a few long seconds he told me to "prove to me that JS was not a prophet" to which I responded, "I believe I just did."

Unfortunately, I couldn't leave it at that, and here is where my emotions got the best of me.  I added, "And don't you ever f***ing speak to me like that again!" and I hung up (and threw the phone).  Yep, I blew it.  I'm no football fan, but I can draw the parallel of me being the dude with the ball, on my way to make a...whatever (is it a touchdown that you make when you're running with the ball?) when I, for no good reason at all, turn around and go in the opposite direction.  That's kind of what I did.

So a few weeks and a couple of short, somewhat superficial emails (that did contain apologies on both our parts) later, my dad and I are kind of like strangers.  I don't feel comfortable talking to him like I used to and it feels like he's either not interested in talking to me now and/or he's uncomfortable, too.

This knowledge I now have of the church has complicated my life in more ways than I imagined.  While there are certain aspects of my life that have changed for the better, there are many more that are definitely not better.  Some days (like today) I'm just a zombie, going through the motions, trying to care about my job, my school assignments, and final exams coming up but not doing a good job of it. 

Anyways, it's strange and right now I really don't like it.