Something I posted on my other blog last night...

I've been pissed off, of course.  So, I decided to write about it in my other blog last night and I tried to put it in terms that maybe a TBM might comprehend.  I'm sure it's futile, really.  Anyways, here's what I wrote:


You know what's funny? Well, it's not really funny.  It's actually far from it...Anyways, you know how we have always been told that those who leave the church are unhappy?  It's actually kind of true, though not for the reasons one might think.

Leaving the church is kind of like going through a divorce.  My experience with divorce was painful, of course.  I fell in love, committed myself, sacrificed, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the benefit of the group (that being myself, my husband at the time, and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were serious ones that I'm aware of.  In the end, I was disrespected, lied to, and ultimately deserted.  The past 10 years since the divorce have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I would go a period of time without any hassles or run-ins with the ex-husband and I would treasure those peaceful times.  Then, just when I would start thinking that I was beginning to heal and that peace was here to stay, something would come up and remind me of the betrayal, etc. and I would find myself right back at square one as far as anger, rage, and healing were concerned.  I haven't had many of those ups and downs in the last several years and for that I'm truly thankful.

My leaving the church has been strikingly similar to my divorce. I fell in love with the tenets of the church, committed myself to them, sacrificed time, energy, income, and former beliefs, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the eternal benefit of my family (that being myself and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were anything that would have jeopardized my eternal salvation.  Yet, in the end I discovered that I was disrespected, lied to time and time again (and then went on to perpetuate those lies on my mission and later to my children).  Ultimately, I did the deserting this time and the maddening part about it was that that was the ONLY recourse I had.  All I could do was leave and promise myself that I would do everything in my power never to allow myself or my children to be duped again to the extent that we were.  That's no real recourse.  All that is is damage control.  Even though I did the leaving this time, it is exactly like...no, it is FAR WORSE  than my divorce ever was because I have zero power to make those that deceived and used me pay for what they did. 

Now that's one hell of a recipe for anger, don't you think?  I'm nothing BUT angry these days. 

So, yeah. Ex-Mormons can accurately be described as an angry group of people. Though, from what I've been told, the anger passes and the hurt wanes just like with a divorce.  I'm only 7 months out and I would imagine I've still got years ahead of me before I can feel the peace that I've only had a few brief glimpses of here and there.  I miss that peace and I want it back.  It was a unique kind of peace that's really hard to describe, something that I've never experienced before in my life.  If I were to describe it, I guess I would start by saying what it isn't.  It isn't like the feeling that there's someone out there, who is all powerful and all knowing, who loves you and will hold your hand through trials.  It isn't like that reassuring thought you get that no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of.  In fact, its the exact opposite.  Its a feeling that you KNOW that you know nothing, nothing at all.  That there are no guarantees whatsoever.  That things are NOT spelled out for you and the rules of how to live and how to "be" aren't clear, if there even are any at all.  How is that peaceful?  Well, for me, it translates to a peaceful thing in this way:  My life is so much more special, unique, and important now than it ever was before because it may very well be all I have.  I've lived so much of my life relying on the "eternities" being better, more rewarding, and my final payoff for all of the suffering here on earth.  What I understand now is that every single day I have here is an opportunity to leave my mark on my little corner of the world.  Every day I'm alive is a day that I can use to bring happiness to myself, to the ones I love, and to strangers--not because a book tells me I should, or because someone commanded me to do it, or because I want to please the man upstairs, or because if I don't do it then that makes me bad person or a less than worthy individual.  It's an empowering and peace promoting thing to realize that my life and how I use it has the power to make an impact on other people's lives even in the tiniest way.

Anyways, I still don't think I did that that peaceful feeling the justice it deserves with my description.  Writing about it, though, helped me get back in touch with the feeling again a bit. :)