Okay, I'm in a Better Mood...Kinda Sorta

Last night's meeting with a member of the bishopric was more emotional than I wanted it to be.  My problem is that I'm all about emotion. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it.  Basically, he came to extend a calling to me because I had asked to be released from my primary calling.  I declined and told him the reason why.

Ugh, from there nothing really constructive happened.  I've had all night to think about the meeting and I am finding that I am more disappointed about the experience now than I was last night.  I could see pity and judgement in his eyes and in his expression.  The details, I guess, are unimportant, but what I learned from it is important.  I simply can't expect a person to understand my feelings/thoughts/situation if he is unwilling to give equal attention to facts/evidence as he is willing to give to the spirit/good feelings.  I've already admitted I'm an emotional person, but I have never been so closed off that I have been unwilling to give facts their proper place and attention.  It boggles my mind that people, intelligent people, have the capacity to ignore glaring gaps in truth and reason and substitute whatever warm fuzzies they can dredge up to justify it.

As I look back, I guess I am proud of how I handled things.  I was honest and true to myself.  Paying attention to the spirit was a recurring theme last night, and I recall a number of my responses and they kind of make me giggle (with pride) as I think about them.  At one point, he asked me to talk about my feelings for the BOM.  I told him I love those stories, that I still feel wonderful when I think about many of those stories.  I also told him, on the other hand, that I have felt equally as warm and fuzzy when I've read Dr. Seuss stories to my kids over the years.  Emotions, feelings, warm fuzzies are real but are not necessarily an indicator that the source of those feelings is divine.  If so, what does that say about Dr. Seuss?  Heck, I want to join his church.

What I have learned, and maybe its a sad thing, is that I can't trust feelings anymore - at least not as a factor in the decision-making process.  It's safe to say at this point that regardless of the feelings I may or may not experience, I have to tackle certain subjects (like that of religion/spiritual beliefs) with the objectivity of a medical professional.  The "spirit" is tied to a chair in the farthest corner of my mind with a sock shoved in his mouth and duct tape around his head.  I'll let him loose for my next kid's birthday party.  I've had it with that unreliable guy.

My Short But Solemn Testimony...

I know that Hungry Howies pepperoni pizza with garlic crust, light on the cheese (because I'm lactose intolerant) is true.  I have a testimony that at least 2 pieces of that particular kind of pizza with a couple of handfuls of Peanut M&Ms, washed down with a few swigs of Diet Pepsi straight from the 2-Liter bottle are the only things that can make a day like today less shitty.  In the name of my left big toe.  A-woman.

Sweating the Relatively Small Stuff...

First of all, on a positive note:   Thank you for your comments and for visiting my blog.  I'm feeling the love and it is much needed right now. ;)

Now, onto the poopy stuff:  In a nutshell, a member of the bishopric is coming over tomorrow night.  Why?  He didn't say, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.  He originally wanted to meet today before church, but I work a split shift from home on Sundays, so I was able to avoid that.

Basically, I haven't been to church in 5 weeks or so and I asked to be released from my primary calling a few weeks ago.  This, of course, all happened after I discovered aspects of church history and church doctrine that rubbed me wrong a little over a month ago.

I'm sweating it big time.  I've gotten some wonderful advice so far and I plan on being prepared with my personal list of concerns.  I know they can't be resolved to my satisfaction, so I won't bother being terribly specific during the meeting tomorrow evening.  If push comes to shove, though, I'll bring up the Book of Abraham thing and leave it at that.  There's NOTHING redeeming that can be said about that issue and it's certainly not a matter of personal interpretation.  I could pray till the cows come home about that issue and not a single warm fuzzy would come of it.

Here's the thing with this meeting, it is the first outward/public display of my disaffection with the church.  Yes, I have shared this with my family and several very close friends, but this, THIS, is big for me.  I mean, there'll be no running away from my decision to leave the church once the bishopric knows (though I wouldn't change my mind about that decision regardless of the circumstances).

I love and respect my bishopric.  They're dedicated men, who sacrifice more than they should for their callings and I truly feel their love for me.  I hate that I'm going to be contributing to the load they are already carrying.  It makes me SO MAD that I can't deal directly with the people that I truly have the problems with.  Alas, most of them are dead...and the ones that aren't are too adept at ignoring the truth anyways.  Stupid jerks.

Blown Away By Stuff I Wasn't Supposed To Find Out...

I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the past 23 years.  I joined the church at the age of 17 and then served a Spanish-speaking mission, was married in the temple, and have faithfully raised my children in the church.  Just a little over a month ago, in an effort to kick up my church studies, I decided to become more familiar with the history of the church and I simply wasn't prepared for what I found.

This blog is for therapeutic purposes for me, but I welcome any comments you may have.  Mind you, I don't know how many people really enjoy getting mean/nasty comments on their blogs, but I'm willing to take them if you have something constructive to say.  I don't gaurantee that bearing your testimony will sway me, but I deeply appreciate any efforts made with a kind heart.

A little bit about myself, I'm a divorced mom of three terrific kids.  My ex-husband left the church when we divorced.  Perhaps I will talk about that in a future post.  For now, it's not something I want to focus on.  I work from home and I am just finishing up my last semester of co-requisites before I enter the RN program at the local college. 

In the last month, I've made every effort to get to know coffee again...ahh, my long lost love. ;)  It's been rough, though.  Back in the days before I joined the church, my mom used to buy Sanka and put a little Sweet and Low in it.  Things are a little different these days.  When I told a friend of mine, who works at Starbucks that I use Albertsons' brand instant coffee with some swiss mocha something-or-other, some Sweet and Low, and a bit of non-dairy powdered creamer stuff, he shook his head and told me that was definitely NOT acceptable. What would I do without my small handful of non-member friends?