Resolution (more or less)

Well, I'm done.  This blog has been a big part of my life over the last year or so and has helped me work through the pain and anger that comes with leaving the LDS church.  I'm at the point where I'm ready to move on.  Yes, there will be flareups of anger now and then, as I've learned, but I've learned to work through those moments of pain in ways other than blogging.

Best wishes, peace, and healing to you.

Over and out. - Kelli

Well Whoda Thunk?

It's 5:30am and I'm wide awake for whatever ridiculous reason, and it occurred to me out of the blue that I haven't posted a single entry to my blog in well over a month! Could this be a sign of me healing just a tad? I think it is! The injustices perpetrated by the church on its members still chaps my ass if I dwell on it, but I'm finding that I'm finally at a point where peace has replaced about 85% of the rage...not too shabby considering it's been just under a year since I left the church. Seriously, I wondered if I'd ever be rid of the anger I felt on a daily basis, but it has actually happened! I hope that gives hope to someone out there who may be struggling and wondering when the pain will lessen.

I started reading an interesting book last night...

I headed out to a used book store the other evening and found a few decent books, one of which is "The Falls" by Joyce Carol Oates.  I've only read one or two of her short stories, but she's a gifted writer so I was excited to find this novel of hers. 

Anyways, I won't give any more details than necessary to avoid spoiling anything, but I do want to quote a paragraph that she wrote that blows my mind.  Okay, I'm going to set you up here using my somewhat rusty 20-year-old missionary summarizing skills:  A man is preparing to throw himself over one of the falls at Niagara Falls.  A witness to this event is attempting to describe the power of the particular area that the suicidal man has chosen.

"The Horseshoe Falls is a gigantic cataract a half-mile long at its crest, three thousand tons of water pouring over the Gorge each second.  The air roars, shakes.  The ground beneath your feet shakes.   As if the very earth is beginning to come apart, disintegrate into particles, down to its molten center.  As if time has ceased.  Time has exploded.  As if you've come too near to the radiant, thrumming, mad heart of all being.  Here, your veins, arteries, the minute precision and perfection of your nerves will be unstrung in an instant.  Your brain, in which you reside, that one-of-a-kind repository of you, will be pounded into its chemical components: brain cells, molecules, atoms.  Every shadow and echo of every memory erased."

The last part of that exerpt is what really gets me, the part that refers to your brain as who you are.  I've come to embrace that concept, but I don't think it will ever cease to blow my mind.  I mean, it makes 100% sense, but after a lifetime of being conditioned to believe that there is no real "end" to our existence at least on a spiritual level, the idea of my own mortality and the thought that one day I will simply cease to exist really makes my jaw drop.

I've learned to take this life for granted because there was always something better waiting for me on the other side.  All of my enemies would be rewarded for their deeds, I would get the love and respect I deserve for eternity, and the universe in essence would be made right.  What a superb recipe for a wasted life.  I'm SO glad that I've left the church and that I'm no longer a zombie/sheep/victim of the church's "inspired direction."  I'm SO glad that I think for myself now.  Better late than never.

My new best friend...

Have you ever visitted "The Thinking Atheist"?  If not, you ought to.  :)  Enjoy.

Earning our way to heaven...

How did we get this way?  When did it become so important to bypass this life, forget about actually living it, and start worrying about making the next one so spectacular??? This is purely a rhetorical question--most of us could answer it without even having to think about it.

I talked with my dad last night and he mentioned something that really struck me.  He said at one point "What concerns me is that one of us IS wrong (referring to the difference in our views on religion), and that person's really screwed."  At that moment I was able to see clearly just how scared he was for me. 

I can appreciate those types of feelings.  I remember worrying myself sick about my kids, wondering if they would ever stray from the path of the gospel.  I remember thinking to myself I just needed to work harder to set a good example for them, have regular FHE, attend the temple more often, never lose my temper with them, etc., etc., etc.  It was truly terrifying for me because I knew I couldn't be as perfect as my kids needed me to be so that they could get the full grasp of the importance of obedience to the gospel. 

I explained to my dad that the way I see it, it isn't so much about one set of beliefs being the only road to anywhere, and that worrying about one of us being screwed is a just waste of the worrier's time.  He took it rather gracefully considering he really was worried about me getting a red hot sunburn after this life is over.  I told him that I wish he could understand how peaceful and content (barring my frequent episodes of rage over the church using its members) I am with my life as it is.

The church is so effective in creating a strangle hold on its members.  Do the leaders realize how they are literally RUINING mothers' and fathers' lives with worry and guilt?  The part of me that still has hope in humanity wants to say ,"No.  No one would actively do that to another person."  But the realistic side of me can only sneer and say, "Of course they know.  They know exactly what they're doing.  It's about power, money, and greed.  There's no misdirected love, no consideration or caring on the part of the leaders for their members."

I remember encountering an old friend that had left the church.  At some point he said to me something along the lines of "It doesn't matter what path each individual chooses to find god.  They all lead to god."  I remember thinking, "What the hell are you thinking?  Of course that's not true.  Are you blind?  Have you forgotten everything you've learned???"  That was the TBM me speaking.  It was impossible for me to appreciate how true his statement really was.  Do I believe in god anymore?  Not really, but I can see where any actively chosen path really can lead to happiness.  I can appreciate that now.  I just hope my dad can get to that point of understanding, too.

"Blessings"

That word makes my head spin and projectile vomit come out.  It's not really an awful word per se, but I (and you) have heard it far too often and applied to the most ridiculous things sometimes.  I was thinking of the things I'm thankful for recently and immediately the word "blessings" came to mind. What would be a good substitute for that nauseating word?

Anyways, here's my list of things I'm thankful for in no particular order.  I hope it inspires you.

1. Bailey's Irish cream minis.  It's just the perfect size for a beginner like me and it's a ready-made dessert AND an instant buzz.
2. Joaquin Phoenix.  (Yep, that was totally random...if you'd classify gorgeous and amazing as random.)  Hmm...Joaquin totally threw me off and I'm having a hard time figuring out what else was on my list.
3.  Beer!  That's always good.

Oh well, 3 things is better than none, right?  Next time I need to think of good-looking guys AFTER the other stuff so that I won't be so distracted.

Well, poop.

I've noticed over the last several weeks or so that my blog intended for my family and friends (all LDS) is getting zero hits.  I have a theory as to why.  Several weeks or so ago I came out and said I left the church.  I think I did a great job explaining myself and being respectful of my LDS readers.  I've always used my blogs as public journals basically for my loved ones to read, but now that some of my writings include honest feelings and experiences of a non-LDS nature I've noticed that my "friends" and family don't really care to know. 

I understand to some degree the discomfort that some of my blog entries must cause.  Though, mind you, I'm not chronicalling my new experiences with drinking (which are few and far between anyways).  The thing is my blog entries in the past have always been quite a bit out of step with the average LDS "perfect," "my-life-is-so-wonderful" type blog.  So, my friends and family should be used to reading my non-traditional stuff.  I also made it a point not to preach in any of my blog entries.  In fact, they were geared towards helping them to understand what a person like me goes through. 

Anyways, I guess it just got too uncomfortable for them.  I got an email and 1 comment when I mentioned that I'd left the church and that's it. I've gotten some visits from some of my followers here (thank you!), but nothing from the people I originally set the blog up for.  So, I deleted the blog this morning.  There's no point in going through the effort of spilling my guts to an audience that doesn't give a crap, right? 

I have to admit that it hurts, though.  It's alienating enough to go through leaving the church, but when you keep getting confirmation after confirmation that you are really viewed as an outsider by those that you've trusted and come to love over the years, well, it just has a way of messing with your head and heart.  If you're reading this blog, then of course you understand what I'm talking about.

I'd like to leave with a heart felt thought on this topic:

Fuck 'em.



You know what.

Are you in Idaho???

This wonderful pupper-dog was abandoned in a home near Twin Falls (5 minutes south).  He was left originally without food or water for a full week, locked in a dog run, sitting in his own filth.  The neighbor, a friend of mine, has attempted to take care of him but because she already has 2 large dogs, she can't adopt him. 

Is there ANYONE out there in the area that is willing to spring this guy and give him a decent home?  He looks to be a black lab and is well behaved from what we know. 

Because this stupid blog setup is stupid and annoying, I can't post a picture of him here.  A picture will be on the sidebar.  Email me at kelliandgirls@gmail.com if you can help in any way. PLEASE.

I almost posted this on my "other" blog...

I wonder how well the dwindling audience of my "other" blog (originally intended for my LDS family members and friends) would have taken this entry:  "I've forgotten how much I absolutely love Bailey's Irish Creme!!!"  It probably would have driven the remaining 2 people who visit it away. :)  I shouldn't care and, honestly, I'm getting really close to that point.  In fact, on FB I no longer block TBMs from reading my wall posts...and I've been posting more enlightening information about the church lately.  It's a pretty liberating feeling actually.

Anyways, I found these cute little Bailey's minis last night in the grocery store after I learned something new (and a little embarrassing) last night. My oldest and I went to pick up pizza to take home to everyone else and they had a fridge full of beer sitting there taunting me.  I figured since I've royally screwed up my diet the last few days I might as well get some beer, too.  When the lady asked me if I wanted it in a chilled glass, I told her I was going to take it home and drink it.  That didn't go over well with the cashier, unfortunately. She said that the beer had to be consumed there and that it couldn't be taken home.  How strange?  To me, forcing your customer to sit there and drink a beer while waiting for their takeout pizza and then expecting them to drive home in a decent condition seems unreasonable.  That's just me, though, and I guess I'm a lot more naive than I thought I was.  After one beer, I wouldn't even think of driving because I can't even really walk a straight line.  I know not everyone is like that, though, and I guess people would be tempted to open up the beer in the car and start drinking it then...so, I do see some validity to their reasoning.

Bailey's is every bit as wonderful as I remember it from my pre-mormon days.  When I was a teen, my mom used to keep a big jug of it on hand and never bothered to check the levels on it. Ahh, good (fuzzy) memories. ;)

Something I posted on my other blog last night...

I've been pissed off, of course.  So, I decided to write about it in my other blog last night and I tried to put it in terms that maybe a TBM might comprehend.  I'm sure it's futile, really.  Anyways, here's what I wrote:


You know what's funny? Well, it's not really funny.  It's actually far from it...Anyways, you know how we have always been told that those who leave the church are unhappy?  It's actually kind of true, though not for the reasons one might think.

Leaving the church is kind of like going through a divorce.  My experience with divorce was painful, of course.  I fell in love, committed myself, sacrificed, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the benefit of the group (that being myself, my husband at the time, and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were serious ones that I'm aware of.  In the end, I was disrespected, lied to, and ultimately deserted.  The past 10 years since the divorce have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I would go a period of time without any hassles or run-ins with the ex-husband and I would treasure those peaceful times.  Then, just when I would start thinking that I was beginning to heal and that peace was here to stay, something would come up and remind me of the betrayal, etc. and I would find myself right back at square one as far as anger, rage, and healing were concerned.  I haven't had many of those ups and downs in the last several years and for that I'm truly thankful.

My leaving the church has been strikingly similar to my divorce. I fell in love with the tenets of the church, committed myself to them, sacrificed time, energy, income, and former beliefs, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the eternal benefit of my family (that being myself and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were anything that would have jeopardized my eternal salvation.  Yet, in the end I discovered that I was disrespected, lied to time and time again (and then went on to perpetuate those lies on my mission and later to my children).  Ultimately, I did the deserting this time and the maddening part about it was that that was the ONLY recourse I had.  All I could do was leave and promise myself that I would do everything in my power never to allow myself or my children to be duped again to the extent that we were.  That's no real recourse.  All that is is damage control.  Even though I did the leaving this time, it is exactly like...no, it is FAR WORSE  than my divorce ever was because I have zero power to make those that deceived and used me pay for what they did. 

Now that's one hell of a recipe for anger, don't you think?  I'm nothing BUT angry these days. 

So, yeah. Ex-Mormons can accurately be described as an angry group of people. Though, from what I've been told, the anger passes and the hurt wanes just like with a divorce.  I'm only 7 months out and I would imagine I've still got years ahead of me before I can feel the peace that I've only had a few brief glimpses of here and there.  I miss that peace and I want it back.  It was a unique kind of peace that's really hard to describe, something that I've never experienced before in my life.  If I were to describe it, I guess I would start by saying what it isn't.  It isn't like the feeling that there's someone out there, who is all powerful and all knowing, who loves you and will hold your hand through trials.  It isn't like that reassuring thought you get that no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of.  In fact, its the exact opposite.  Its a feeling that you KNOW that you know nothing, nothing at all.  That there are no guarantees whatsoever.  That things are NOT spelled out for you and the rules of how to live and how to "be" aren't clear, if there even are any at all.  How is that peaceful?  Well, for me, it translates to a peaceful thing in this way:  My life is so much more special, unique, and important now than it ever was before because it may very well be all I have.  I've lived so much of my life relying on the "eternities" being better, more rewarding, and my final payoff for all of the suffering here on earth.  What I understand now is that every single day I have here is an opportunity to leave my mark on my little corner of the world.  Every day I'm alive is a day that I can use to bring happiness to myself, to the ones I love, and to strangers--not because a book tells me I should, or because someone commanded me to do it, or because I want to please the man upstairs, or because if I don't do it then that makes me bad person or a less than worthy individual.  It's an empowering and peace promoting thing to realize that my life and how I use it has the power to make an impact on other people's lives even in the tiniest way.

Anyways, I still don't think I did that that peaceful feeling the justice it deserves with my description.  Writing about it, though, helped me get back in touch with the feeling again a bit. :)

I keep trying to end this...

So, I keep trying to end this blog, but I keep coming back.  Just when I thought things were "normal" again, general conference came around and fucked it up for me.  I guess I really have some serious issues.  I hate the church.  I despise it.  I hate that it's got most of my family and friends by the nuts and won't let them go and what's worse is they all think I'M the person that's gone off the deep end.

...so fucking mad...

Um. Yeah.

No title again.  Sorry. 

So, I'm not necessarily saying I'm retiring this blog because who knows when that urge to grab my chainsaw and shred some TBMs might pop up, but I'm going to "refer" you to my "other" blog.  My "other" blog has been neglected for months and months because that was the blog I used to keep in touch with my family and friends (all TBMs, mind you).  Naturally, I had little to no desire to update them on the details of my life because most of the time I simply wanted to poke their eyeballs out because of the part they played in my indoctrination within the church.  Now that the anger, resentment, and fits of hysteria have more or less died down, I kind of figured it's time to move on and make an attempt at normalcy (or my version of it, anyway) and get back to keeping in touch with my family and friends via that blog.

Here's the link:  http://kellisdetourahead.blogspot.com/

I've made a few entries in the last couple of days, one of which explained to everyone the fact that I resigned from the church (see the entry entitled "Time to come clean, I guess").  I just needed to get it out there and deal with the consequences.  My parents haven't read it yet. I know that because I haven't received a phone call.  I will, though.  I've got one of those feelings.

Anyways, read the other blog at your own risk.  I can only promise extreme boredom, but I'd love for you to stick with me for the support. :)

P.S.
If you're an axe murder or serial rapist (or something along those lines) and you choose to hassle me via my blog, I'll hunt you down and you'll find yourself begging for death when I find you...just so you know.  :)

The Anger is Gone

My anger's just gone.  It has been for a while.  Sure, I run into a comment or a memory or whatever every now and then that brings back the pain and anger and feelings of betrayal, but I've gotten to the point where my past is my past and I don't want it to ruin my present anymore.  It's neat to be at the point where I can say that and really mean it.

My new philosphy, something that I've been working on actively, is simply to "live and let live."  That's, of course, not to say that my new motto is "roll over and play dead," though.  I get plenty of practice walking that delicate line with my oldest daughter, who is still very much in love with the church.  ;)

???

Couldn't think of a title...

You know what?  I'm getting DAMN TIRED of waiting to get into the RN program.  It took me 2 years to finish up my pre-reqs and co-reqs for the program.  I put in my application a year ago.  Now, it looks my turn to get in won't roll around until the spring of next year.  The wait list when I turned in my application was 18 months, but due to some position cuts, they aren't  admitting as many applicants in the fall as they had planned on.  Thus, I continue to wait patiently and age.  In the meantime, I need to continue taking a minute of 6 credits so that I can defer financial aid repayment...and I've all but run out of interesting/applicable courses to take.

Woe is me.  I know.  Life could be a lot worse.  Hell, it's BEEN a lot worse. ;)

Short writing assignment...good for a chuckle.

Alright, from my writing class we had a tiny little assignment of roughly 4 sentences (mine went over a tad).  We were supposed to show what's called a character triangle--how the character sees herself, how she wants to be seen, and how she is seen by others in reality.  Enjoy (or don't, just don't tell me if you hated it...I can appreciate a little dishonesty now and then).

Progress is in the Eye of the Beholder

          Dotty took a minute for herself and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, eying her body proudly as her kids played in their room down the hall. After two hard months of dieting and working out at the gym, she was actually beginning to see some changes in her figure.

          She heard one of her little ones running down the hallway and into her room.

          “Mommy, don't worry. I'll love you no matter how fat you are.”

Quoting myself...

You know, the more I read my FB post from yesterday, the more I want to tattoo it on me somewhere...haven't figured out where yet, though.  Why don't you read through it and see if you like it.

"Dear Stake Prez - Fuck off. And while you're fucking off, please feel free to choke on your own tongue and die a slow, painful death. If I may, I'd like to facilitate it for you. However, if that's not possible perhaps I can request an act of "god" for you like a lightning bolt with your name on it. Oh yeah, one last sentiment for you: Curse god and die. Find that fucking scripture asshole."

Nighty night, sweet dreams. :)

You know what?

Fuck it all.

You know what else?  I'm sick and tired of being overworked and unappreciated. I'm tired of having zero time to relax.  I'm tired of struggling to make ends meet and trying to have a decent attitude in spite of it.  I'm REALLY sick of my dad giving me his version of the cold shoulder.

I'm not feeling like life is a "gift" these days.  If I didn't have children whom I'd mess up thoroughly by doing it, I would have checked out long ago.

Once again, Fuck it all.

Yeah, false alarm. It's not over.

You know how I was feeling all peace-y and content and thought my blogging for therapy days were over?  I changed my mind. You know, I have another blog and it's pretty dull and lifeless.  I just can't express myself the way I want to and talk about the things I want to talk about because I know the people reading it, my LDS family and friends, won't be able to identify with most of it.  Thus, I'm back.

Now, here's the thing, though.  I'm kind of evolving, so I guess some of the content here is going to be different from time to time.  Basically, what you're going to be looking at here are the rantings of a ex-mormon single mom with A.D.D. (yeah, I wish I were kidding).

Um.  Yeah.  So, I guess that's enough for tonight.  I hope you all still visit.  If anything, you can walk away from the experience and say it was better than watching a lame episode of Jersey Shore, right?

Hmmm...could we be reaching the end?

I think I'm coming to the end of my need for blogging "therapy."  It's strange.  I didn't expect it to happen so soon.  I guess I'm getting to the point where the anger (for the most part) has died down and my need to cry and talk things out is waning.  It makes me kind of sad, though I'm happy to have reached this point.  I remember reading the mission statement of Postmormon.org where it talks about being a safe haven for those in varying stages of recovery from mormonism and that it is just a stop along the way, a place to warm your feet by the fire and make some friends, and then eventually move on.  I remember not being able to wrap my mind around the concept of it being just a stop along the way, but now I get it.  It's a progression or an evolution for each person...and I guess that's how I feel about my blogging "therapy."

Hmm...it's neat to see my personal progression and it gives me a sense of peace to know that I actually AM moving forward and acclimating myself to life postmo.  Wow.  Freaky.

What's going on with my dad???

I know, you can't answer that question.  I had to ask it, though.  He and I had a nice conversation about a month ago, but since then there just hasnt been much interaction between the two of us.  It's really beginning to BOTHER me.  I try to jump start conversations via email with him, but he responds with a sentence, maybe.  Sometimes it's not even a full sentence.  He's never rude, but the responses he gives are something you'd get from someone you just met off the street, not someone you used to talk with weekly and joke and fart around with.

I understand he's adjusting.  Fine.  He's had 4 months to adjust, though.  WTF?  It's starting to hurt my feelings now, you know?  I've brought up with him in the recent past that it seemed he was holding back and not interacting with me as he used to and he said he was just working things out for himself and he'd do better.  That was back in November, though.

I mean, I know better than to expect him to move as quickly through this maze of emotions as I have.  Still, I'm not seeing much of an effort on his part to keep up our relationship.  It's all me.  I do the contacting, the calling, the emailing.  In fact, I just emailed him my first little writing assignment last night asking him for a critique.  I've done this in the past with him and he's all about offering compliments when they are appropriate and bashing the hell out of my work when appropriate, but his response to my assignment was "sounds like a sad story."  Damn, he said nothing else, didnt even bother to capitalize the first word of his jacked up sentence.

Am I doing something wrong?  Am I going about this the wrong way with him?  At this point, I feel like I've done all I can do and I don't really care much for putting more of myself out there for him to ignore.  I don't want to lose my relationship with my dad, but I'm no masochist either and I don't want to continue just asking to be disrespected.

Your thoughts?

Gag. Retch. Puke.

Today I did my normal seminary run and one of the girls I picked up handed a book to my daughter to read.  It is apparently some LDS teen romance novel, complete with a picture of the SLC temple in the background.  Wonderful.

Of course, in the split second I realized what kind of book it was fifty thousand thoughts flew through my head.  It went something like this:

"Ahh, neat, the indoctrination never ends."
"Haha!  It's not an adventure novel or Greek mythology!"
"It looks like a girly, romance, church fiction book.  Excellent, she hates that stuff."
"Oh, look.  She's making that 'Eww, it's dog shit!' face while profusely thanking the girl."
"Whew."
"Why am I making such a big deal of this?  The kid's happy with her decision to stay in the church and forcing her out would make her fight back even more."
"I need a beer."
"Dammit, I'm driving."
"Double dammit, I drank the last one in the fridge a few days ago."

...all that, and my day has barely started.  Anyways, whatever.  My kid is intelligent.  She'll figure things out eventually with my help.

Hola.

Hey, guess what?  Over the last month or so I've found my favorite alcoholic beverage.  I wasn't able to find anymore of that pumpkin ale (although I didn't really look all that hard for it), so I figured I'd better find something that's easily accessible from my local store as a good replacement.  I've found that I like Land Shark.  I didn't like it much at first, but it's kind of grown on me. 

Why beer, especially when I've got a complex about looking uncouth with regards to alcohol?  Pretty much it all boils down to how much effort it takes to open the damn bottle.  Even with a proper corkscrew, wine is more of a hassle to open in my opinion.  I've got a knack for effing relatively easy things up, so I'd rather just stack the odds in my favor.  I love the long neck beer bottles.  Just a flick of the metal tool thingy and the top is off.  I love it. :)

Another topic...Okay, so I'm still working on the anger thing.  I'd like get through this phase quickly, but I'm pretty sure it's mostly out of my control.  I just don't want to lose months or years of my life wading through the anger.  I want to be easier going about what former ward members/former LDS friends say about/to me regarding my lifestyle change.  I'm working on it, but it's just not in my nature to let that kind of stuff roll off my back.  I'm the kind of person that gets her feelings hurt and usually holds it in until I reach a breaking point at which time I end up taking people out with chain saws and heavy artillery.  I've got to learn how to manage that.

I want to feel "normal" again.

I've been thinking about how nice it was back when I was oblivious to the truth.  Sure, I had my challenges like everyone else, but back then there was a supposed "reason" for my challenges, a big picture that I just didn't have a clear understanding of.  The upside to my current non-blissful ignorance is that the challenges I had before don't seem so challenging.  The downside is that those challenges are overshadowed by the fact that there is no real big picture anymore, you know?

Maybe I'm just PMS-ing.

Which gets me to thinking about good old JS.  I hope with "every fiber of my being" that his wives' cycles synched up and they all got PMS-y on him every damn month.  I hope they were just too embarrassed/scared to write in their journals about how they beat the shit out of that man on a monthly basis.

Yeah.  That makes me feel a little better.

Time to move forward...

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I can actively do to get rid of this anger.  At this point, I honestly think it boils down to moving forward and not looking back and dwelling on the pain.  Of course, that's so much easier said than done, but I can't see me making any progress until I take steps to let this anger go. 

I think this is going to translate to using my free time more wisely.  While its important to allow myself some anger, as I know it is an important part of the healing process, I think allowing myself to get ridiculously worked up is not good.  I need to pick up my old habits again and put aside my church research for the time being.  I think I've allowed it to get far too out of hand.  I just need to try to go back to being the productive person I used to be. 

I used to read voraciously, and I was actually working on writing my first fiction novel before all of this happened.  Also, school starts tomorrow and that will help me get back into my groove, as well.  I've got one semester left (this one) to goof off and enjoy myself before my turn on the waiting list for the RN program out here rolls around, so I don't want to waste my free time stewing over judgmental TBMs or moronic church leaders.

What I'm hoping this translates to is a more uplifting blog (YAY!)  and perhaps some nice off-topic posts since one of my fluffy classes this semester is a fiction writing class that will no doubt have lots of fun assignments that I'll want to share. :)

Okay.   So, life is good.  Everything is going to be okay.  I'm allowed to get mad, but I'm not allowed to develop an ulcer or dream about running over obnoxious TBMs anymore. :)

It's 2:33 a.m. and I'm still FUMING...gotta get this rage under control.

Yeah, you know how I said the only TBM that responded to my facebook post was the sweetest, kindest friend?  Well, she ended up unfriending me AND blocking me AND erasing all of her 10+ posts.  The ouchiest part of that is that she and I had been emailing eachother privately throughout the time she was posting.  Things took a turn when I revealed to her that I had already sent my resignation letter in to SLC.  That's when she stopped emailing and shortley thereafter deleted the posts, etcetera.  The weird thing is that a few minutes ago when I finally decided to turn the computer back on and distract myself from my anger (since it was keeping me from sleeping), I saw that there was another post on there from her.  I don't get it.  She was previously off my FB list and I couldn't locate her before.  Anyways, I was so pissed off I reverted to my 8th grade self and deleted her post before I read it and unfriended and blocked her.  How's that for maturity on my part?  I swear, sometimes I embarrass myself.

Well, what's done is done.  I think my FB experiment was useful, though.  I've learned for myself that eventually my TBM friends will desert me for fear of me dragging them down to hell with me.  A friend of mine from Postmo has been telling me this for quite a while now, but I kept thinking I was one of the lucky few that wouldn't have that same experience. 

This is, of course, the main reason for my anger.  You know, I got through the fact that the church was a load of crap pretty well.  It sucked, but I adjusted and found my happy place more or less.  My big source of all-things-shitty now is dealing with the backlash from my LDS friends/acquaintances. 

Dammit.  This is the same level of anger I felt when I was going through my divorce.  This is so STUPID.

Facebook Post Challenge

I was thinking the other day about how it just took one red flag (by the name of polyandry) to get me rolling on my research.  So, I posted something yesterday to kind of plant some seeds of doubt in the minds of the few LDS friends I have left on FB. 

Here's what I posted: "I'm going to risk a few friendships here, but I'd like to know if anyone out there knows what the term "polyandry" means...and how Joseph Smith is connected with it. Just do a little bit of research." 

You know what bugs me?  The only TBM that responded was the sweetest person on the face of the earth, who has stuck by me throughout my journey out of the church (basically, someone I really, really don't want to hurt)...and the handful of other TBMs did SQUAT.  No responses from them.  My hopes are that they were paying attention to the post and multiple responding posts from my fellow postmos.  My fear, though, is that they simply hit the "ignore" button in which case no seeds were planted.

Lots on my mind...

My oldest had New Beginnings tonight.  I went because...well, what mother wouldn't, right?  Naturally, I felt really uncomfortable, but I think I did a decent job at covering that up.  I saw the bishop, shook his hand but didn't chat with him like I normally would have.  I think that is the second biggest thing that bugged me most.  I felt like we had a nice friendship prior to sending in my resignation letter last week (of which I send a copy directly to him with a handwritten letter explaining to him how much I've appreciated his friendship and service, etcetera).  Unfortunately, tonight he was a little distant.  I looked directly in his eyes when I shook his hand, looking for some sort of an acknowledgement of my letter, maybe a look of understanding and respect, but it just wasn't there.  As I typed that last sentence just now, I realized how ridiculous it sounds for me to expect understanding or respect from a bishop for leaving the church, but he really is that kind of person.  Anyways, like I said, it didn't happen.

The thing that bugged me the most, though, was the fact that the first counselor talked to the YW about the importance of faith.  He talked about how one must have faith to have a testimony of the gospel, etcetera, etcetera.  He even brought up knowledge as important but something that is not as necessary as faith when it comes to testimonies.  And he teared up as he said this.  All I could think about was the fact that he was misleading so many impressionable young people in this room and undermining my authority as far as my daughter is concerned.

For so many years, I've believed whole heartedly that faith was the most important thing in a person's life.  When something didn't make sense, I just needed to have faith that things would work out the way Heavenly Father had planned for me.  If aspects of the gospel werent entirely clear to me, I just needed to exercise faith and trust that it would be explained to me in the hereafter.  It's so wrong.  It is SO sad.  And, really, when it all comes down to it, I don't care so much about the other girls in the room being misled by this man, I care that my daughter is swallowing this man's lies.

Most of the time I was there I was trying to remind myself that my daughter, who is 15, is going to choose what she wants to choose as far as lifestyle and religion goes.  And she's going to do it regardless of what I prefer her to do...she's already proved that by choosing to stay with the church.  If I take this away from her now, it will just make her want it more. 

Anyways, I went.  I conquered.  I came home and ate a Big Mac.  So very glad that thing's over.

Let the games begin.

Hi.  If you've been reading my blog since the beginning (or probably even just a few entries) you've most likely gotten the impression that I'm a pretty polite kind of person.  I am.  However, I've been known to be quite the bitch when provoked.  Of course, my ex-husband would be more than happy to corroborate that fact. 

I'm bringing this up because it appears that the gossiping within my former ward has begun and I don't know quite how to deal with this in a civil manner.  From what I understand, this gossip shit is simply the next logical step in the process of leaving the Morg.

If you've experienced something like this, how did you deal with it/bring it to an end?  Any suggestions on how I can shut these idiots up without letting my temper ruin things?

My Resignation Letter is in the Mail!

This morning I dropped off my resignation letter (in triplicate for the sake of thoroughness - one copy to SLC, one to the stake prez, the other to my bishop) at the post office.  It felt scary, amazing, and liberating.  A little more than two months ago I set off to become a better TBM by studying the history of the church and BOOM!  Here I am no longer a member of LD$corp.  I never wanted this.  I just wanted to feel better about my efforts and better about myself.  Crazy thing is, I do feel better about my efforts and better about myself - just not in the way I had expected.  You know what?  I think I have some bad-ass in me after all.  This has been no cake walk.  It has sucked beyond all suckiness and I'm positive that the pain will continue for years to come. 

As a part of the liberation process and in an effort to prolong my "high", I'm including a copy of my resignation letter.  I used the generic part in the first part of the letter and then added on my own sentiments, so I'm only including my own sentiments.  If you like parts of it, please feel free to use what you'd like to.

In addition, I would like to add that after 23 years of faithful membership, having served a mission, married in the temple, and done my utmost to be a member of the church in good standing, I was devastated to find that the church history that I have been taught is a white-washed, less than truthful version of what really occurred.  I find it unconscionable that many issues involving church history, its early leaders, and doctrines have been toned down or completely falsified.  I resent being lied to and I resent the fact that, because I chose to seek out objective material that was not specifically endorsed by the church, I have been told by a member of my bishopric that I was somehow in the wrong and that it is no wonder that my faith has left me and the Spirit no longer sees fit to accompany me. 

Of course, I understand completely why the leaders of the church feel the need to suppress information.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints simply has too much to lose.  Heaven forbid the members find out the truth about, for example, Joseph Smith's dealings in polygamy and polyandry, or his so-called translation of the Kinderhook Plates, or perhaps the fact that Lehi's Dream was just a retooled version of a dream Smith's father had many years prior to the appearance of the Book of Mormon.  Sure, some members would continue to cling to those feelings we have been taught are witnesses of the truthfulness of the church. However, I'm sure that most, like myself, would be intelligent and courageous enough to face the facts and put the warm fuzzies aside.  What would you do then?  I shudder to imagine how many malls the church would not be able to build, or land that it would not be capable of buying.  In short, what would the church do without those of us, who work our butts off paying tithing, offerings, and donations for our salvation (with the looming threat that if we don't meet those financial demands we will not be worthy of living in the presence of God and our loved ones in the eternities)? 

I can't quite imagine Christ supporting the decision to grace downtown SLC with a beautiful mall complete with retractable roof, costing several billion dollars in total, over using that money to feed, clothe, and shelter his brothers and sisters in this world.  Please THINK about this for a second.  Where is the SENSE in that?  I no longer regard the leaders of this church as men of God called to lead God's people.  They are nothing more than shrewd business men, who have fooled even themselves into believing the lies that have been perpetuated over the last 150+ years.

As I've had a chance to step back and take a more objective look at the dealings of the church over the years, I have come to the realization that I am profoundly ashamed to be associated with it on many levels.  I am horrified that I accepted the church's philosophies so willingly and without proper research of my own.  The church has willfully ignored scientific research in the areas of biology, anatomy, and physiology and asserts that homosexuals are somehow defective or simply not “trying hard enough” to be “normal” and, therefore, undeserving of the right to legally marry. I highly doubt that any of the leaders of the church have ever had to deal with being attracted to a member of the same sex and, thus, haven't the slightest clue how wrong it is to tell a person that they must pray harder, sacrifice more, and live more righteously so that God might take that “curse” away from them.  Although, judging from Elder Packer's statements and hyper-vigilance on the topic of same-sex attraction, I might be inclined to think he's struggling himself in that area.  Regardless, I'm embarrassed that I bought into this faulty line of thinking that the church so firmly advocates. This is just one example of many, but it is one that I have had to come to terms with on a deeply personal level, not because I am attracted to members of the same sex but because my ex-husband is.  He did what he could to fit in with the demands of LDS culture, served a mission and married me, but ultimately he could not continue to live a life that was not authentic to who he is at a very basic, biological level. 

Fear not, though.  For you haven't lost my family entirely.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has hoodwinked my oldest daughter and, as far as I can tell, she'll be a faithful follower for quite a while.  She's intelligent, so when she grows up and enters her chosen career field I imagine you'll make a pretty penny off of her via her tithing and various other donations.  My hopes, though, are that she'll be able to separate feelings from facts when she reaches adulthood and is no longer involved with the YW program and seminary, which are really quite effective programs you've got there.  Again, a very shrewd business move.  Get 'em while they're young, impressionable, and looking for a group to identify with. 

In case you haven't detected the not-so-subtle hint of anger in my letter, let me just tell you directly that I am beyond angry.  I have experienced a lot of heartache in my lifetime, but NONE of it compares to the devastation I feel at losing what I thought was the only true church on the face of the earth.  You've deceived me and violated my trust and there is simply no way to make amends for what you've done, whatsoever.

In my first set of scriptures my step-mother wrote, “Just remember, the church is true even if its members are not.”  We've all heard that saying before.  It was a warning not to be offended by any actions of our fellow church members.  I think it was good advice except for one part.  She had it backwards.  It should have read, “Just remember, the members are true even if the church is not.”

Of course, there is an upside to all of this.  I'm finding that life outside the church isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  There was a point in time not more than two months ago when I thought my life would lose all sense significance if the gospel wasn't true.  I simply couldn't imagine how I could derive meaning from life without “Heavenly Father's Plan of Happiness.”  It was a terrifying time in my life.

However, what I'm  finding is that my life is actually more meaningful to me now than it ever was before.  I have no idea if there's an afterlife or even a god for that matter.  Therefore, I am learning to live my life to its fullest, to do good things for others because it gives me joy not because I'm required to or because I have a list of people I'm required to serve.   

I am also finding that I actually have time to breathe now.  There isn't this constant dark cloud hanging over me anymore of my “celestial to-do list”—attend lengthy weekly meetings, do my daily personal scripture study, daily family scripture study, monthly visiting teaching and reporting, monthly enrichment night, ward social activities, temple attendance at least once a month, weekly FHE, etc, etc ad infinitum.  I no longer have the nagging guilt of knowing in my heart of hearts that I just can't meet every expectation placed upon me by the church.  It's an ugly feeling knowing you're falling short, promising to do more next time, and falling short again.  I'm so relieved to be free of the guilt and, more than that, to be free from the control the church places on its members.

Hope you enjoyed. :)

Having a moment of anger...feel free to ignore me.

I'm beyond disgusted with the leaders of the church, both early and current ones.  I am enraged when I think of the people that lost their lives trekking across the United States, the people that died in the Mountain Meadows Massacre, and all of us who have been members as we have been manipulated and lied to and had it pounded into our heads the importance of obedience and blind faith.  When I think of people who've taken their own lives because of the faulty doctrine that unless you are straight, you are a deviant and damned to celibacy in this life or condemnation in the next, it makes me sick to my stomach. 

I feel absolutely helpless in dealing with these emotions.  What is my recourse here?  Where's the payback?  I'm sending in my resignation papers in about 12 hours.  Myself and 2 of my 3 girls will have our names removed from the records of the church.  Also, I will do my utmost to get the information about the truth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints out to my loved ones in the most effective way possible.  Still, I feel helpless.  It's not good enough.