My kids just left for their dad's house and my home is peaceful and quiet, so I've been using this time to read up on church history, etcetera.
Every now and then, despite the fact that I already know the church isn't true, I have a minor freakout moment...and I'm having one now. I cannot believe I gave 23 years of my life to this church, served a mission, played by all the rules, and perpetuated their mind games with my kids. Not only that, I adopted the mindset that as a single 40-year-old LDS mom I somehow no longer existed as a woman - just a hardworking mom.
I read a blog post recently that struck me hard on a really personal level. It was about clothing. I know, it sounds superficial, but the post was far from it. In fact, it was incredibly symbolic and I identified with it. I've been living in frump-dom since the breakup of my marriage 9 years ago. Why? Because I no longer fit within the LDS culture. I didn't fit, didn't count in a way. I wanted to be invisible because I felt out of place. As such, I just stopped caring about how I dressed.
Again, as I re-read some of this I can't help but think I might be misunderstood. This is SO not about clothes. It's about self esteem - for me at least.
Today I went out and did a little clothes shopping for myself rather than my kids for a change. It would've been a better experience if I actually enjoyed clothes shopping (even remotely), which I don't and if I weren't so picky or self-conscious about my figure. Still, it was a step in the right direction.
I'm SUPER bugged that I spent years upon years in a fantasy land of obedience and false promises, dressing like a prude when I had a hell of a figure, and cultivating an unhealthy self image, but I'm that much more inspired now to pick up where I left off years ago.
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