My new best friend...

Have you ever visitted "The Thinking Atheist"?  If not, you ought to.  :)  Enjoy.

Earning our way to heaven...

How did we get this way?  When did it become so important to bypass this life, forget about actually living it, and start worrying about making the next one so spectacular??? This is purely a rhetorical question--most of us could answer it without even having to think about it.

I talked with my dad last night and he mentioned something that really struck me.  He said at one point "What concerns me is that one of us IS wrong (referring to the difference in our views on religion), and that person's really screwed."  At that moment I was able to see clearly just how scared he was for me. 

I can appreciate those types of feelings.  I remember worrying myself sick about my kids, wondering if they would ever stray from the path of the gospel.  I remember thinking to myself I just needed to work harder to set a good example for them, have regular FHE, attend the temple more often, never lose my temper with them, etc., etc., etc.  It was truly terrifying for me because I knew I couldn't be as perfect as my kids needed me to be so that they could get the full grasp of the importance of obedience to the gospel. 

I explained to my dad that the way I see it, it isn't so much about one set of beliefs being the only road to anywhere, and that worrying about one of us being screwed is a just waste of the worrier's time.  He took it rather gracefully considering he really was worried about me getting a red hot sunburn after this life is over.  I told him that I wish he could understand how peaceful and content (barring my frequent episodes of rage over the church using its members) I am with my life as it is.

The church is so effective in creating a strangle hold on its members.  Do the leaders realize how they are literally RUINING mothers' and fathers' lives with worry and guilt?  The part of me that still has hope in humanity wants to say ,"No.  No one would actively do that to another person."  But the realistic side of me can only sneer and say, "Of course they know.  They know exactly what they're doing.  It's about power, money, and greed.  There's no misdirected love, no consideration or caring on the part of the leaders for their members."

I remember encountering an old friend that had left the church.  At some point he said to me something along the lines of "It doesn't matter what path each individual chooses to find god.  They all lead to god."  I remember thinking, "What the hell are you thinking?  Of course that's not true.  Are you blind?  Have you forgotten everything you've learned???"  That was the TBM me speaking.  It was impossible for me to appreciate how true his statement really was.  Do I believe in god anymore?  Not really, but I can see where any actively chosen path really can lead to happiness.  I can appreciate that now.  I just hope my dad can get to that point of understanding, too.

"Blessings"

That word makes my head spin and projectile vomit come out.  It's not really an awful word per se, but I (and you) have heard it far too often and applied to the most ridiculous things sometimes.  I was thinking of the things I'm thankful for recently and immediately the word "blessings" came to mind. What would be a good substitute for that nauseating word?

Anyways, here's my list of things I'm thankful for in no particular order.  I hope it inspires you.

1. Bailey's Irish cream minis.  It's just the perfect size for a beginner like me and it's a ready-made dessert AND an instant buzz.
2. Joaquin Phoenix.  (Yep, that was totally random...if you'd classify gorgeous and amazing as random.)  Hmm...Joaquin totally threw me off and I'm having a hard time figuring out what else was on my list.
3.  Beer!  That's always good.

Oh well, 3 things is better than none, right?  Next time I need to think of good-looking guys AFTER the other stuff so that I won't be so distracted.

Well, poop.

I've noticed over the last several weeks or so that my blog intended for my family and friends (all LDS) is getting zero hits.  I have a theory as to why.  Several weeks or so ago I came out and said I left the church.  I think I did a great job explaining myself and being respectful of my LDS readers.  I've always used my blogs as public journals basically for my loved ones to read, but now that some of my writings include honest feelings and experiences of a non-LDS nature I've noticed that my "friends" and family don't really care to know. 

I understand to some degree the discomfort that some of my blog entries must cause.  Though, mind you, I'm not chronicalling my new experiences with drinking (which are few and far between anyways).  The thing is my blog entries in the past have always been quite a bit out of step with the average LDS "perfect," "my-life-is-so-wonderful" type blog.  So, my friends and family should be used to reading my non-traditional stuff.  I also made it a point not to preach in any of my blog entries.  In fact, they were geared towards helping them to understand what a person like me goes through. 

Anyways, I guess it just got too uncomfortable for them.  I got an email and 1 comment when I mentioned that I'd left the church and that's it. I've gotten some visits from some of my followers here (thank you!), but nothing from the people I originally set the blog up for.  So, I deleted the blog this morning.  There's no point in going through the effort of spilling my guts to an audience that doesn't give a crap, right? 

I have to admit that it hurts, though.  It's alienating enough to go through leaving the church, but when you keep getting confirmation after confirmation that you are really viewed as an outsider by those that you've trusted and come to love over the years, well, it just has a way of messing with your head and heart.  If you're reading this blog, then of course you understand what I'm talking about.

I'd like to leave with a heart felt thought on this topic:

Fuck 'em.



You know what.

Are you in Idaho???

This wonderful pupper-dog was abandoned in a home near Twin Falls (5 minutes south).  He was left originally without food or water for a full week, locked in a dog run, sitting in his own filth.  The neighbor, a friend of mine, has attempted to take care of him but because she already has 2 large dogs, she can't adopt him. 

Is there ANYONE out there in the area that is willing to spring this guy and give him a decent home?  He looks to be a black lab and is well behaved from what we know. 

Because this stupid blog setup is stupid and annoying, I can't post a picture of him here.  A picture will be on the sidebar.  Email me at kelliandgirls@gmail.com if you can help in any way. PLEASE.

I almost posted this on my "other" blog...

I wonder how well the dwindling audience of my "other" blog (originally intended for my LDS family members and friends) would have taken this entry:  "I've forgotten how much I absolutely love Bailey's Irish Creme!!!"  It probably would have driven the remaining 2 people who visit it away. :)  I shouldn't care and, honestly, I'm getting really close to that point.  In fact, on FB I no longer block TBMs from reading my wall posts...and I've been posting more enlightening information about the church lately.  It's a pretty liberating feeling actually.

Anyways, I found these cute little Bailey's minis last night in the grocery store after I learned something new (and a little embarrassing) last night. My oldest and I went to pick up pizza to take home to everyone else and they had a fridge full of beer sitting there taunting me.  I figured since I've royally screwed up my diet the last few days I might as well get some beer, too.  When the lady asked me if I wanted it in a chilled glass, I told her I was going to take it home and drink it.  That didn't go over well with the cashier, unfortunately. She said that the beer had to be consumed there and that it couldn't be taken home.  How strange?  To me, forcing your customer to sit there and drink a beer while waiting for their takeout pizza and then expecting them to drive home in a decent condition seems unreasonable.  That's just me, though, and I guess I'm a lot more naive than I thought I was.  After one beer, I wouldn't even think of driving because I can't even really walk a straight line.  I know not everyone is like that, though, and I guess people would be tempted to open up the beer in the car and start drinking it then...so, I do see some validity to their reasoning.

Bailey's is every bit as wonderful as I remember it from my pre-mormon days.  When I was a teen, my mom used to keep a big jug of it on hand and never bothered to check the levels on it. Ahh, good (fuzzy) memories. ;)

Something I posted on my other blog last night...

I've been pissed off, of course.  So, I decided to write about it in my other blog last night and I tried to put it in terms that maybe a TBM might comprehend.  I'm sure it's futile, really.  Anyways, here's what I wrote:


You know what's funny? Well, it's not really funny.  It's actually far from it...Anyways, you know how we have always been told that those who leave the church are unhappy?  It's actually kind of true, though not for the reasons one might think.

Leaving the church is kind of like going through a divorce.  My experience with divorce was painful, of course.  I fell in love, committed myself, sacrificed, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the benefit of the group (that being myself, my husband at the time, and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were serious ones that I'm aware of.  In the end, I was disrespected, lied to, and ultimately deserted.  The past 10 years since the divorce have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I would go a period of time without any hassles or run-ins with the ex-husband and I would treasure those peaceful times.  Then, just when I would start thinking that I was beginning to heal and that peace was here to stay, something would come up and remind me of the betrayal, etc. and I would find myself right back at square one as far as anger, rage, and healing were concerned.  I haven't had many of those ups and downs in the last several years and for that I'm truly thankful.

My leaving the church has been strikingly similar to my divorce. I fell in love with the tenets of the church, committed myself to them, sacrificed time, energy, income, and former beliefs, compromised, and worked hard at being the best person I could be for the eternal benefit of my family (that being myself and my children).  I wasn't perfect, of course, and made plenty of mistakes, but none of those mistakes were anything that would have jeopardized my eternal salvation.  Yet, in the end I discovered that I was disrespected, lied to time and time again (and then went on to perpetuate those lies on my mission and later to my children).  Ultimately, I did the deserting this time and the maddening part about it was that that was the ONLY recourse I had.  All I could do was leave and promise myself that I would do everything in my power never to allow myself or my children to be duped again to the extent that we were.  That's no real recourse.  All that is is damage control.  Even though I did the leaving this time, it is exactly like...no, it is FAR WORSE  than my divorce ever was because I have zero power to make those that deceived and used me pay for what they did. 

Now that's one hell of a recipe for anger, don't you think?  I'm nothing BUT angry these days. 

So, yeah. Ex-Mormons can accurately be described as an angry group of people. Though, from what I've been told, the anger passes and the hurt wanes just like with a divorce.  I'm only 7 months out and I would imagine I've still got years ahead of me before I can feel the peace that I've only had a few brief glimpses of here and there.  I miss that peace and I want it back.  It was a unique kind of peace that's really hard to describe, something that I've never experienced before in my life.  If I were to describe it, I guess I would start by saying what it isn't.  It isn't like the feeling that there's someone out there, who is all powerful and all knowing, who loves you and will hold your hand through trials.  It isn't like that reassuring thought you get that no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of.  In fact, its the exact opposite.  Its a feeling that you KNOW that you know nothing, nothing at all.  That there are no guarantees whatsoever.  That things are NOT spelled out for you and the rules of how to live and how to "be" aren't clear, if there even are any at all.  How is that peaceful?  Well, for me, it translates to a peaceful thing in this way:  My life is so much more special, unique, and important now than it ever was before because it may very well be all I have.  I've lived so much of my life relying on the "eternities" being better, more rewarding, and my final payoff for all of the suffering here on earth.  What I understand now is that every single day I have here is an opportunity to leave my mark on my little corner of the world.  Every day I'm alive is a day that I can use to bring happiness to myself, to the ones I love, and to strangers--not because a book tells me I should, or because someone commanded me to do it, or because I want to please the man upstairs, or because if I don't do it then that makes me bad person or a less than worthy individual.  It's an empowering and peace promoting thing to realize that my life and how I use it has the power to make an impact on other people's lives even in the tiniest way.

Anyways, I still don't think I did that that peaceful feeling the justice it deserves with my description.  Writing about it, though, helped me get back in touch with the feeling again a bit. :)