Resolution (more or less)

Well, I'm done.  This blog has been a big part of my life over the last year or so and has helped me work through the pain and anger that comes with leaving the LDS church.  I'm at the point where I'm ready to move on.  Yes, there will be flareups of anger now and then, as I've learned, but I've learned to work through those moments of pain in ways other than blogging.

Best wishes, peace, and healing to you.

Over and out. - Kelli

Well Whoda Thunk?

It's 5:30am and I'm wide awake for whatever ridiculous reason, and it occurred to me out of the blue that I haven't posted a single entry to my blog in well over a month! Could this be a sign of me healing just a tad? I think it is! The injustices perpetrated by the church on its members still chaps my ass if I dwell on it, but I'm finding that I'm finally at a point where peace has replaced about 85% of the rage...not too shabby considering it's been just under a year since I left the church. Seriously, I wondered if I'd ever be rid of the anger I felt on a daily basis, but it has actually happened! I hope that gives hope to someone out there who may be struggling and wondering when the pain will lessen.

I started reading an interesting book last night...

I headed out to a used book store the other evening and found a few decent books, one of which is "The Falls" by Joyce Carol Oates.  I've only read one or two of her short stories, but she's a gifted writer so I was excited to find this novel of hers. 

Anyways, I won't give any more details than necessary to avoid spoiling anything, but I do want to quote a paragraph that she wrote that blows my mind.  Okay, I'm going to set you up here using my somewhat rusty 20-year-old missionary summarizing skills:  A man is preparing to throw himself over one of the falls at Niagara Falls.  A witness to this event is attempting to describe the power of the particular area that the suicidal man has chosen.

"The Horseshoe Falls is a gigantic cataract a half-mile long at its crest, three thousand tons of water pouring over the Gorge each second.  The air roars, shakes.  The ground beneath your feet shakes.   As if the very earth is beginning to come apart, disintegrate into particles, down to its molten center.  As if time has ceased.  Time has exploded.  As if you've come too near to the radiant, thrumming, mad heart of all being.  Here, your veins, arteries, the minute precision and perfection of your nerves will be unstrung in an instant.  Your brain, in which you reside, that one-of-a-kind repository of you, will be pounded into its chemical components: brain cells, molecules, atoms.  Every shadow and echo of every memory erased."

The last part of that exerpt is what really gets me, the part that refers to your brain as who you are.  I've come to embrace that concept, but I don't think it will ever cease to blow my mind.  I mean, it makes 100% sense, but after a lifetime of being conditioned to believe that there is no real "end" to our existence at least on a spiritual level, the idea of my own mortality and the thought that one day I will simply cease to exist really makes my jaw drop.

I've learned to take this life for granted because there was always something better waiting for me on the other side.  All of my enemies would be rewarded for their deeds, I would get the love and respect I deserve for eternity, and the universe in essence would be made right.  What a superb recipe for a wasted life.  I'm SO glad that I've left the church and that I'm no longer a zombie/sheep/victim of the church's "inspired direction."  I'm SO glad that I think for myself now.  Better late than never.

My new best friend...

Have you ever visitted "The Thinking Atheist"?  If not, you ought to.  :)  Enjoy.

Earning our way to heaven...

How did we get this way?  When did it become so important to bypass this life, forget about actually living it, and start worrying about making the next one so spectacular??? This is purely a rhetorical question--most of us could answer it without even having to think about it.

I talked with my dad last night and he mentioned something that really struck me.  He said at one point "What concerns me is that one of us IS wrong (referring to the difference in our views on religion), and that person's really screwed."  At that moment I was able to see clearly just how scared he was for me. 

I can appreciate those types of feelings.  I remember worrying myself sick about my kids, wondering if they would ever stray from the path of the gospel.  I remember thinking to myself I just needed to work harder to set a good example for them, have regular FHE, attend the temple more often, never lose my temper with them, etc., etc., etc.  It was truly terrifying for me because I knew I couldn't be as perfect as my kids needed me to be so that they could get the full grasp of the importance of obedience to the gospel. 

I explained to my dad that the way I see it, it isn't so much about one set of beliefs being the only road to anywhere, and that worrying about one of us being screwed is a just waste of the worrier's time.  He took it rather gracefully considering he really was worried about me getting a red hot sunburn after this life is over.  I told him that I wish he could understand how peaceful and content (barring my frequent episodes of rage over the church using its members) I am with my life as it is.

The church is so effective in creating a strangle hold on its members.  Do the leaders realize how they are literally RUINING mothers' and fathers' lives with worry and guilt?  The part of me that still has hope in humanity wants to say ,"No.  No one would actively do that to another person."  But the realistic side of me can only sneer and say, "Of course they know.  They know exactly what they're doing.  It's about power, money, and greed.  There's no misdirected love, no consideration or caring on the part of the leaders for their members."

I remember encountering an old friend that had left the church.  At some point he said to me something along the lines of "It doesn't matter what path each individual chooses to find god.  They all lead to god."  I remember thinking, "What the hell are you thinking?  Of course that's not true.  Are you blind?  Have you forgotten everything you've learned???"  That was the TBM me speaking.  It was impossible for me to appreciate how true his statement really was.  Do I believe in god anymore?  Not really, but I can see where any actively chosen path really can lead to happiness.  I can appreciate that now.  I just hope my dad can get to that point of understanding, too.

"Blessings"

That word makes my head spin and projectile vomit come out.  It's not really an awful word per se, but I (and you) have heard it far too often and applied to the most ridiculous things sometimes.  I was thinking of the things I'm thankful for recently and immediately the word "blessings" came to mind. What would be a good substitute for that nauseating word?

Anyways, here's my list of things I'm thankful for in no particular order.  I hope it inspires you.

1. Bailey's Irish cream minis.  It's just the perfect size for a beginner like me and it's a ready-made dessert AND an instant buzz.
2. Joaquin Phoenix.  (Yep, that was totally random...if you'd classify gorgeous and amazing as random.)  Hmm...Joaquin totally threw me off and I'm having a hard time figuring out what else was on my list.
3.  Beer!  That's always good.

Oh well, 3 things is better than none, right?  Next time I need to think of good-looking guys AFTER the other stuff so that I won't be so distracted.

Well, poop.

I've noticed over the last several weeks or so that my blog intended for my family and friends (all LDS) is getting zero hits.  I have a theory as to why.  Several weeks or so ago I came out and said I left the church.  I think I did a great job explaining myself and being respectful of my LDS readers.  I've always used my blogs as public journals basically for my loved ones to read, but now that some of my writings include honest feelings and experiences of a non-LDS nature I've noticed that my "friends" and family don't really care to know. 

I understand to some degree the discomfort that some of my blog entries must cause.  Though, mind you, I'm not chronicalling my new experiences with drinking (which are few and far between anyways).  The thing is my blog entries in the past have always been quite a bit out of step with the average LDS "perfect," "my-life-is-so-wonderful" type blog.  So, my friends and family should be used to reading my non-traditional stuff.  I also made it a point not to preach in any of my blog entries.  In fact, they were geared towards helping them to understand what a person like me goes through. 

Anyways, I guess it just got too uncomfortable for them.  I got an email and 1 comment when I mentioned that I'd left the church and that's it. I've gotten some visits from some of my followers here (thank you!), but nothing from the people I originally set the blog up for.  So, I deleted the blog this morning.  There's no point in going through the effort of spilling my guts to an audience that doesn't give a crap, right? 

I have to admit that it hurts, though.  It's alienating enough to go through leaving the church, but when you keep getting confirmation after confirmation that you are really viewed as an outsider by those that you've trusted and come to love over the years, well, it just has a way of messing with your head and heart.  If you're reading this blog, then of course you understand what I'm talking about.

I'd like to leave with a heart felt thought on this topic:

Fuck 'em.



You know what.